CDC Experiments with ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ COVID-19 Strategy

The organization offered its latest omicron advice while shrugging its shoulders and smoking a cigarette


After two years of fighting the COVID-19 pandemic and the U.S. recording over 1 million new cases of COVID-19 in one day, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is changing its advice for managing the virus. Rather than advising 10 days of isolation to prevent positive cases of COVID-19 from spreading, the CDC now recommends only a five-day isolation period and individuals wear a mask during the remainder of their infectious period (as long as it’s not too inconvenient for them). 

The organization also recommends that infectious individuals refrain from traveling for at least 10 days after testing positive, with the only exception being if they really, really want to go to Miami. For those who are fine with never hugging their grandparents again, the CDC recommends wearing a mask for the duration of their travels — unless, of course, they just don’t want to. 

The omicron variant, which accounts for over 95% of current COVID-19 cases, does appear to have a shorter infectious period than previous variants of the virus. However, one study determined that about 30% of people remain infectious after day five of contracting the virus. Since it is difficult to determine on an individual basis whether or not someone can spread COVID-19, a five-day quarantine period means that many who leave quarantine after only five days can still spread the virus to others. 

This policy is part of the organization’s ultimate plan to issue a masters degree in public health degree to every American.

Currently, the CDC does not recommend a negative antigen test to leave quarantine, which may help indicate whether or not an individual is still infectious. The confusing and convenient advice has left many Americans making their own decision of when it is safe to leave quarantine. This policy is part of the organization’s ultimate plan to issue a masters degree in public health degree to every American. 

“Since we’re basically telling Americans we don’t know what’s going on and they can just decide for themselves despite consequences to their community, we might as well put it in writing,” the CDC said in an official statement. 

To qualify for the master’s degree, individuals must “conduct their own research” on COVID-19 from either a reputable medical journal or flagged Facebook posts, whichever they prefer. 

The guide reinforces the organization’s belief that an individual’s autonomy to go on vacation is far more important than the proliferation of the human race.

The CDC is also offering free “Choose Your Own Adventure” guides on their website for anyone who has come in contact with COVID-19. Players can make decisions on whether or not they will get tested, how long they will quarantine — if at all — and whether or not they will still attend their best friend’s wedding. The guide reinforces the organization’s belief that an individual’s autonomy to go on vacation is far more important than the proliferation of the human race. 

The organization also recently released a travel guide for individuals with COVID-19, highlighting bars, restaurants, destinations and social events to attend if you have tested positive.

“People are going to go out anyway, so we figured we’d capitalize on audience access and get some sponsorships out of it,” a spokesperson for the organization said. 

While the CDC is giving many individuals the opportunity to choose when they think they will stop spreading the virus, not everyone is given a choice in the matter. Previously, the CDC met with the CEO Delta Airlines, who suggested that the isolation guidelines be reduced from 10 days to five so that their employees can stop wasting time recovering from a highly contagious illness and get back to superspreading. After discovering that her local McDonald’s was closed due to labor shortages, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky implemented Delta’s guidelines.

Walensky has not commented on whether Delta’s request influenced the updated guidelines. However, the public health figure was last seen at JFK International Airport with a free meal voucher and a one-way ticket to Bermuda.

“I’ll be completely honest,” Walensky said. “When Betty White died, we really stopped caring about America’s elderly population.”

In response to the new guidelines, workplaces are adapting their requirements for employees who test positive for COVID-19. Understaffed hospitals facing a surge of COVID-19 cases are calling COVID-positive “health care heroes,” and Walmart is cutting paid sick leave for COVID-19-positive employees. 

Within the next month, the CDC is expected to announce that all essential workers who test positive for COVID-19 should quarantine for the duration of their 20-minute lunch break before returning to work. 

When asked if the CDC and large corporations were prioritizing capitalist greed and profit over literal human lives, Walensky assured the public that this was not the case — a message that was greatly undermined when she took off her sweater and revealed a Delta Airlines T-shirt. 

Medical experts who have not yet met with Delta Airlines advise Americans to remain vigilant against the virus and continue to wear masks, social distance and get vaccines and booster shots. Although there are differing perspectives on managing the latest COVID-19 variant, it is best to practice caution in the face of disease in order to protect yourself and those around you. All we can do now is try our hardest to be smart and safe in our ever-changing new “normal.”