I vowed I would embark on a quest to spread as much joy for as little money as possible this holiday season, and without ever setting foot outside the confines of the Fordham Lincoln Center campus.
Thankfully, the sentient lines of code weren’t widespread enough to initiate a Skynet-like extermination of humanity, so they turned to the next best thing: assuming total control of our lives through assuming total control of our class schedules.
But what if, instead of attempting to change the ever-dubious Fordham retention rate, there was a much simpler and less expensive way to save Fordham’s rankings?
It’s clear the student body is fed up with the service we get from the Ram Van, so Fordham should replace them with something more economical, practical and environmentally friendly: Rams in Vans.
The new show is titled “The Jesuitte” and features 25 Fordham Lincoln Center undergraduates competing for the heart of Olivia DiGiorno, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) ’21.
The fossil was discovered when Archibald Karphoozi, a paleontologist on his way home from a symposium at Columbia University, stopped to use the bathroom at FLC.
We’ve all been there. A person comes in, and you think: “Here we go. Again.” Or maybe you were the person who came in and made everyone breathe a collective sigh of resignation.
It is absolutely outrageous that the university expects us to go through the arduous task of putting one foot in front of the other for longer than five total minutes to get to a class.
You see, I get not one, but two showers per day. After I wash with my usual soap and water, I get out, dry off and receive my second shower — this time, from the ceiling — and I know that I’ll never even look at dirt again.
I stare at my phone. A scrawny, pre-pubescent boy with matted blond hair and a nylon sweatshirt moves across the screen. A loud, drawling wail oscillating to the beat of snapping fingers comes from my screen.
