Ms. Green: The First Hot Girl
When faced with progress, a girlboss’s shoes should be the last to go
It’s time to defend the patron of girlbosses from evil corporations once again.
February 2, 2022
I am no fan of Tucker Carlson. In fact, I despise him with every ounce of my being. However, there is one thing the most-watched man in America and I have in common: stanning the Green M&M. Long before Tucker hopped on the caboose of the Green M&M’s fame train, I was there. Long has she stood in my mind, of hallmark to femininity, the first woman.
The Green M&M, also known as Ms. Green, showed me what a girlboss was, how to work a boot and how to properly wear gloves. Before her controversial shoot revealing a candy shell falling gracefully around her shoulders, I don’t think “off the shoulder” was even invented. Ms. Green has been gracing screens internationally since her 1997 premiere in the Mars Corporation’s promotion for M&M’s.
More recently, Mars Wrigley has decided to update the M&M’s, giving these hallmark characters various redesigns ranging from personalities to outfits. In the case of Ms. Green, The First and Only Woman, she had her iconic go-go boots stripped and replaced with a more modern sneaker. Describing the change as one to represent a more modern and empowered woman, Mars Wrigley has wrought chaos upon the cultural icon that is Ms. Green.
Gays and Republicans alike can attest to Ms. Green’s look being a hallmark of society.
I am no Fox News puppet, and I am no conservative. While this issue has become the latest referendum a return to classical gender roles, I would argue that Ms. Green has crossed partisan lines. Aside from Ms. Green throwing the first brick at Stonewall, gays and Republicans alike can attest to Ms. Green’s look being a hallmark of society, one that should be free from the tampering of a corporation trying to appease the masses. I am all for religion-free Starbucks cups, and Gingerbread People, but when it comes to Ms. Green, the go-go boots stay on.
I frequently turn my nose up at tradition, and am the first to stir the pot in the Thanksgiving political brawl; however, when the topic is Ms. Green, I have to put my foot down. What could be a better representation of femininity than the ultimate slay? Those go-go boots and eyelashes have more power than any downtrodden sneaker could hope to communicate. There is something to be said for the unprecedented bipartisan unity in that green candy shell and those seductive lips.
Additionally, take a look at any footage of Ms. Green the limp wrist? She invented Pride! Not to mention a controversial tweet from 2015 showing her and her apparent lover Ms. Brown holding hands at the beach. Ms. Green is gay rights in a candy shell. In a cast of heteronormative and frankly boring, largely male M&M’s, Ms. Green steps into the spotlight and graces the world with a divine feminine (and slightly chocolate) presence.
The lucky few who have stood in Times Square and bathed in the massive screens featuring Ms. Green’s likeness can attest that it changes you. Mars Wrigley (aside from being a proponent of child slavery and extremely problematic) has crafted some of the most yassified work of the corporate sphere, and somehow it has fallen to Tucker Carlson to defend it? I say no more. As a community, we need to do better by Ms. Green and reclaim her likeness.
We should be wiser than to fall victim to Mars changing the M&M’s just to distract from the lawsuits alleging the use of child slavery. Ms. Green would’ve wanted us to keep a sharper eye on corporate media tactics, and never should the price of slay be ignoring a victim’s cry for help.
Ms. Green is for the girls and the gays, and she shows up for us by werking a go-go boot and the best damn eyelashes in the business. It’s about time we save her from the clutches of Fox News. She is a bipartisan icon who deserves better than QANON bigots fighting for her. I call upon the material girls, the girlbosses and the girls who get it. The girls, the gays and the theys. It’s time to defend our matriarch from the meddling hands of yet another corporation.
