satire Archives - The Observer

Big Apple Circus Wants Me Dead

October 30, 2019

The erected tent that had the color of a reusable IKEA bag stood proudly in my McKeon backyard and taunted me with its pompous grandeur

Dinosaur Fossil Discovered Underneath Lincoln Center Campus

October 30, 2019

The fossil was discovered when Archibald Karphoozi, a paleontologist on his way home from a symposium at Columbia University, stopped to use the bathroom at FLC.

Five Types of People You Meet in an Elevator

October 16, 2019

We’ve all been there. A person comes in, and you think: “Here we go. Again.” Or maybe you were the person who came in and made everyone breathe a collective sigh of resignation.

Lincoln Center Students Need Hoverboards

October 16, 2019

It is absolutely outrageous that the university expects us to go through the arduous task of putting one foot in front of the other for longer than five total minutes to get to a class.

My Ceiling Gives Me a Second Shower

October 2, 2019

You see, I get not one, but two showers per day. After I wash with my usual soap and water, I get out, dry off and receive my second shower — this time, from the ceiling — and I know that I’ll never even look at dirt again.

Vine is the Pinnacle of American Art

October 2, 2019

I stare at my phone. A scrawny, pre-pubescent boy with matted blond hair and a nylon sweatshirt moves across the screen. A loud, drawling wail oscillating to the beat of snapping fingers comes from my screen.

The Crusade Against Climate Change

September 17, 2019

I was always skeptical of the poor. The way they “didn’t have money” made me wonder if they even wanted it at all.

Oh, Canada

August 25, 2019

After being forced to live in this godforsaken country for two months, it is clear the government here does not know how to manage their money. I have seen the effects first hand: healthier people, a cleaner environment and less debt. As an American, it baffles me.

This Was the Worst Spirit Week Ever

April 30, 2019

When I saw a McMahon bulletin board advertising an upcoming spirit week, I thought things would be different this time. Each day promised new events. It was the culmination of a whole month of “giving it up” for something, apparently.

Liquid Cash: the Fordham Cup Conspiracy

February 19, 2019

Fordham’s budget isn’t going to its London program; it’s funding the creation of thousands and thousands of elegant plastic cups decorated with the logo of our fine institution. Big Ben? More like Big Gulp.

Fordham Dining Hall is a Food Lover’s Free-For-All

February 19, 2019

Out for a pleasant stroll a few evenings ago, I found myself hopelessly lost in the bowels of Fordham University. I took several elevators (both up and down), an escalator and eventually discovered myself to be in a dumbwaiter that had popped out of thin air. When I was finally able to take in my surroundings, I was standing in front of the finest Fordham dining establishment on this blessed campus: the freshman dining hall.

SATIRE – Budget Troubles Lead to USG Shutdown

February 6, 2019

As of Thursday, Feb. 5, United Student Government (USG) has been in a state of partial shutdown for 47 consecutive days. This breaks the previous record of two days in 2013, when the USG President at the time lost his keys. Shockingly, Austin Tong, Gabelli School of Business ’21, is not at fault this time.