Liquid Cash: the Fordham Cup Conspiracy



If a cup tree grows in a forest, does anyone notice where their tuition is going?


There is a major drinking issue at Fordham, and, surprisingly, it has zero connection to Rose Hill.

Due to continued grievances, such as black mold in McKeon showers and the quality of the dining hall food, many students have questioned where Fordham spends its budget – it certainly isn’t on them.

No disrespect to my colleagues, but they’re looking in the wrong places for where Fordham’s endowment is spent.

Rather than point fingers across the pond, they should look in Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J.’s kitchen cabinet. Fordham’s budget isn’t going to its London program; it’s funding the creation of thousands and thousands of elegant plastic cups decorated with the logo of our fine institution.

Big Ben? More like Big Gulp.

Rather than invest in creating a world-class university or even a world-class study abroad program in the U.K., the land-owning Rose Hill patricians have decided to buy our love and awe with glossy, monogrammed plastic cups.

It’s an easy argument to swallow. Honestly, who cares that Fordham pays for dorm maids in London when they have been buying students’ affection by keeping them hydrated this whole time?

You know the cups I’m talking about. You see them everywhere, mocking you with their maroon logos, telling you that you will never be as crisp or as successful as they are.

You know where you see those cups? At events held for the upper-crust, for open houses and club fairs. They’re the cups of the Jesuit bourgeoisie.

I’ve done the math, and the numbers check out. According to the internet, a bastion of accuracy and helpfulness, a monogrammed hard plastic cup costs approximately 50 cents.

With a $739 million endowment, that equates to 1,478,000,000 cups, which is a number that makes perfect sense when you look at any trash can after an open house or club day event.

I’ve also heard rumors that Dean of Undergraduate Admission Patricia Peek, Ph.D., seeks to improve our Wall Street Journal/Times Higher Education survey rankings by becoming a cup stacking champion. Athlete Patricia “Y’all Are Weak” Peek is said to have set the speed stacking world on fire with a record time of 18.41 seconds, a time she earned from long practice sessions with Joseph “Bring the Pain” McShane and student government president Demetrios “OG of USG” Stratis.

I don’t disagree with Fordham’s choice to spend their entire endowment on monogrammed plastic cups. In fact, I love it. I will happily drink the Kool-Aid from my glossy, monogrammed cup, as everyone loves a good Jesuit Jammer. And you know, we do all need a good way to satisfy our thirst beyond Googling “young Leon Lowenstein.”

Most of all, the cups lend us humble Lincoln Center plebeians a sense of pride that the sports program does not. Barring Pizza Fridays, these cups are the only things holding school spirit together.

But now that we know what’s really going on in Fordham’s financial offices, we have the right to get in on their hustle. To seize the means of pro-cup-tion, if you will.

We all deserve our own glossy, monogrammed plastic cup. After all, there are hundreds of millions of these cups at Fordham as we speak. We have to rise up and grab our own goblets. Every open house, every club fair, we will take our future back.  

For the environmentally-conscious, the cups can hold students’ tears for later re-use. For Rose Hill students who become lost at Lincoln Center, the cups will help them start their own bar so they can feel at home. For literally any student at Fordham, the cups can hold the pocket change you have left after paying your tuition.

All Fordham students have a moral duty to redistribute the wealth by stealing as many cups as they can carry. The cups are stacked against us, but we must spill the truth.