Some of the Best Headlines in Observer History

March 26, 2021

40th anniversary stickerAs The Observer approaches its 40-year anniversary, it is only right to take a deep dive into the dusty halls of the archives to explore some of the best-written headlines in Observer history. From poorly concealed sex jokes to complaints about the Fordham Lincoln Center elevators, these headlines don’t just show how Fordham has changed. More than anything, they show all the ways in which Fordham has stayed the same.

’80s

Headline: Twelve Inches of Pleasure

Twelve Inches of Pleasure” (1982-04-21): Starting off strong! Get your mind out of the gutter!

Headline: Is Chocolate Thunder the Savior?

Is Chocolate Thunder the Savior?”(1982-09-08): This headline asks a crucial question, and the answer was, and always will be, yes.

Headline: University Bans Equus Nude Scene

University Bans Equus Nude Scene” (1983-03-09): Fordham censored students before it was cool.

Headline: Lefties Have Rights Too!

Lefties Have Rights Too!” (1983-05-11): There’s a write way to right a headline and this is a master course.
Headline: Most People Read Us, But Many Aren’t Satisfied

Most People Read Us, But Many Aren’t Satisfied” (1984-01-23): The Observer had a wide readership but not a large number of contributors, causing some salty content.

Headline: Gays: Organize

Gays: Organize” (1984-05-09): Probably the most iconic headline of the ’80s.

Headline: Ram Van Expose: A Mole in the Organization

Ram Van Exposé: A Mole in the Organization” (1985-05-08): A Ram, a mole and a subway rat get into a van …

Openly Confused” (1987-05-13): We know the feeling.

’90s

Headline: Sucking Fordham Dry

Sucking Fordham Dry” (1990-02-07): Nothing has ever been more worthy of the side-eye emoji than this headline.

Headline: Ten Ways to Say I Don’t Love You

Ten Ways to Say I Don’t Love You” (1991-02-13): We’ve all been there.

Headline: Do Breasts Come with my Order?

Do Breasts Come With My Order?” (1993-04-21): No, probably not.

Headline: The Ups and Downs of FCLC’s Elevators

The Ups & Downs of FCLC’s Elevators” (1995-11-29): It’s nice to see that some things never change.

Headline: Whats Your Bloody Problem?

Whats Your Bloody Problem?” (1997-03-19): All Fordham London students when they get back to the streets of NYC.

Headline: Ewwww!! Wash Your Hands; It’s A Dirty World (After All)

Ewwww!! Wash Your Hands: It’s a Dirty World (After All)” (1997-03-19): Somehow, this headline is even more true in 2021.

Headline: Somebody Save Me! Please

Somebody Save Me! Please” (1997-03-19): All college kids can relate to this sentiment.

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’00s

Headline: Y2K and Y2Gay? Define Your Spiritual Existence

Y2K and Y2Gay?: Define Your Spiritual Existence” (2000-02-09): Anyone else getting Sugar Ray vibes? Just us?

Headline: Jesus was a Topless Black Woman

Jesus Was a Topless Black Woman” (2001-02-22): A true Jesuit education.

Headline: How Not to See Anyone Ever Again

How Not to See Anyone Ever Again” (2001-11-01): Step one: Experience a pandemic.

Headline: Catholics and Condoms- Will They Ever Come Together?

Catholics and Condoms: Will They Ever Come Together?” (2002-10-24): Oh, how much we love a double entendre.

"McMahon Hall Smoking Ban is Fascist"

McMahon Hall smoking ban is fascist” (2003-10-09): Tell us more, but also, we agree.

Headline: Fordham Wants us to Get Sick and Die
Fordham wants us to get sick and die” (2004-05-06): Was this thing written in 2004 or 2021? You decide.

Headline: I'm voting for Kerry because he's hot

I’m voting for Kerry because he’s hot” (2004-10-24): The only hot thing here is this take.

Headline: "It's not you, It's Jesus"

Its not you, its Jesus. (2006-12-07): Sometimes, the best way out is to deflect.

’10sHeadline: Sex, Scandal, and the Disney Channel

Sex, Scandal, and the Disney Channel” (2011-5-27): We are hooked. You have hooked us.

Headline: Don't Text Me - You Don't Know Me Like That
Don’t Text Me—You Don’t Know Me Like That” (2011-6 -11): We’ve all been there.

Headline: Monster Attack on Fordham Imminent

Monster Attack on Fordham Imminent” (2011-9-27): Is it really that far-fetched?

Headline: Dear Freud, Mommy Made Me a Wimp

Dear Freud, Mommy Made Me a Wimp” (2012-9-19): Almost a decade later and we college students are still afraid of our moms.

Headline: I'm not in a Relationship with My Cat
I’m Not In A Relationship With My Cat” (2012-11-6): For some reason, we’re starting to assume otherwise.

Headline: Next NYC Mayor Cannot be a New England Sports Fan

Next NYC Mayor Cannot be a New England Sports Fan” (2013-8-29): On the eve of another NYC mayoral election, this is a make-or-break consideration.

Headline: Bitcoins Aren’t All That Worth It
Bitcoins Aren’t All That Worth It” (2014-1-27): Literally nothing in the history of Earth has aged worse.

Headline: Ivy League Rejects: You’re Better Off Here at Fordham
Ivy League Rejects: You’re Better Off Here at Fordham” (2014-10-28): God, how we all wish this was true.

 

Headline: Learn to Resist Read a Book

Learn to Resist Read a Book” (2017-3-9): Maybe reading really is good for you, but I’m probably going to binge “The Office” anyway.  

Headline: I Can't Get Anything Done

I Can’t Get Anything Done” (2017-9-16): Some things never change.



About the Writers
Photo of EMILY ELLIS
EMILY ELLIS, Opinions Editor

Emily Ellis, FCLC ’23, is pursuing a degree in English with the hopes of finding a double major. She loves writing for the opinions section because it’s full of lovely people who allow her to write about anything her heart desires. In her free time, she loves to read, nap and spend too much time playing Yahtzee on her phone.

Photo of STEVIE CORTEZ
STEVIE CORTEZ, Assistant Opinions Editor

Stevie Cortez, Fordham College at Lincoln Center ’21, is majoring in political science and minoring in philosophy and journalism. She writes for opinions and features, focusing on international politics and the perspective of the American working class. Stevie hopes to one day work as a foreign correspondent.

Photo of CLARA GERLACH
CLARA GERLACH, Assistant Opinions Editor

Clara Gerlach, FCLC ’23, is a native New Yorker. As a math and economics major with minors in German and environmental studies, she enjoys reading anything and everything. When she hasn’t got her nose in a book, Clara enjoys hiking, experimenting with gluten free recipes and making way too specific Spotify playlists.

Photo of POLINA UZORNIKOVA
POLINA UZORNIKOVA, Opinions Editor Emerita

Polina Uzornikova, FCLC ’23 — as an opinions editor, she loves writing (and editing) satire of all kinds. Her hobbies include writing and directing, and bleaching her hair every other month.

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