As Rose Hill’s new student center nears completion, students of Fordham University’s better-known satellite school continue to wonder when they, too, will receive new facilities to complain about. Fordham Lincoln Center (FLC)’s lack of proper accommodations for its on-campus student body — forgotten due to the thoughtful efforts of the coronavirus pandemic — is threatening to once again be the one thing The Observer won’t shut up about. 

According to newly released plans, however, FLC’s perennial space headache may be in its last days — and not a moment too soon.

On April 19, University President Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J., unveiled plans for Lincoln Center’s newest building project to an intimate, high-ranking and socially distanced LAN party in McNally Amphitheatre. Served by stoic, tuxedoed Aramark employees with plates of room-temperature cheese and expensive-looking disposable cups of lemonade, the gathering was the top administration’s first look into the next chapter of Fordham’s Manhattan development. There were no vegan options.

“I feel Leon Lowenstein in this amphitheatre tonight,” McShane began. The Leon Lowenstein Center, FLC’s oldest and most treasured 13-floor beige rectangle, was in the spotlight that evening — the knowing glint in McShane’s eyes that night told those in attendance that all would be revealed soon.

“Fordham has invested countless stacks of diamonds into the Lincoln Center campus,” McShane said, booting up his laptop and donning a pair of maroon cat-ear headphones. “Construction in New York City is expensive, but as we diversify our endowment into the emerald market and transition to diamond tools across all levels of the university, we are now prepared to begin construction on a new facility able to accommodate our spatial needs for the next 20 years of growth.”

The university president then directed the audience to open their laptops, enter the LAN address he had written in permanent marker on the whiteboard, and see for themselves the next chapter for the growing campus.

The tension in the room was high as each administrator joined the local server. User “LafayeetLC” was the first to join, and Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) Dean Laura Auricchio gasped aloud when the plans loaded in, chunk by chunk.

“Lowenstein II will solve today’s concerning lack of classrooms, offices, student gathering spaces and khaki cuboids on campus.” Frank Simio, Fordham LC vice president

“I call it: Lowenstein II,” McShane announced. Raucous applause filled the amphitheatre. The building name is set to supplant “140 West 62nd Street” as the most creative name on campus upon the building’s completion.

Fordham Lincoln Center Vice President Frank Simio then took the stage, helping McShane disable cheats and queuing up his presentation on the resources necessary to fulfill the university’s dream.

“Lowenstein II will solve today’s concerning lack of classrooms, offices, student gathering spaces and khaki cuboids on campus,” Simio said. “But it will naturally come at the expense of university resources.” Simio indicated that the project is estimated to cost 12 double chests of smooth sandstone, a double chest each of glass and black dye, and other miscellaneous resources including torches and redstone wiring.

Auricchio inquired as to the potential cost savings of building the facility just out of sandstone instead of the smooth variant, pointing out the savings in smelting costs. 

“Do you want it to look stupid?” Simio responded, the rhetorical question met with solemn head shakes. Auricchio zipped up her creeper sweatshirt in apparent shame.

Following the conclusion of Simio’s cost and labor assessment — including the purchase of a Haste II beacon, a first for the campus — administrators were encouraged to explore the ambitious plan, floor by floor. Seven stories higher than the Leon Lowenstein Center, Lowenstein II currently promises three study lounges, four floors of student dormitories, six automatic wheat farms, a state-of-the-art cobblestone generator and a basement super smelter. 

Planned additions also aim to upgrade the outdated and underperforming campus XP farm to a cactus-based design. Aramark has reportedly won the bid to create Ram Cafe II on the plaza level of the new building.

“After having to sign off on that ugly checkerboard freshman fish tank, I’m glad the B-squad campus is getting another, more sensible building.” Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J., university president

“I, for one, was thrilled to tour such a sensible, functional and beautiful building this evening,” McShane said in a statement. “After losing that bet with Robbie (Robert Grimes, dean emeritus of FCLC) and having to sign off on that ugly checkerboard freshman fish tank, I’m glad the B-squad campus is getting another, more sensible building.”

Auricchio also expressed her excitement for the next chapter in Lincoln Center’s Space Cram saga. “It is truly a stunningly handsome building,” she tweeted moments after the LAN party concluded. “Sure, it’s nice and all that those RamCraft kids did their ‘community building’ project and made some friends or whatever … but they REALLY saved us a fortune on planning costs!”

Lowenstein II is expected to be completed by fall 2029 — entirely in survival without cheats or hacks, according to Simio. University representatives contacted for comment declined to rule out the future possibility of Lowenstein III, much less a complete revision of the Fordham Lincoln Center Master Plan in the wake of such a popular addition to campus.

Manhattan Community Board 7 was unavailable for comment.

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MINECRAFT

The building name is set to supplant “140 West 62nd Street” as the most creative name on campus.