Zoom University Makes Me Want to Get a Mullet

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COURTESY OF ABIGAIL KATZ

Spice up your mundane Zoom meetings and show off your personality with a fresh mullet.

By MADELINE KATZ

With Zoom classes well underway and no foreseeable end to online education in sight, mullets may be the hero we never knew we needed.

Mullets. Yes, mullets.

Back-to-school outfits look a little different this year as most of our classes are held online. Gone are the butterflies that used to accompany the first day of school outfits, replaced by the business-on-top, party-on-the-bottom look. More specifically, a pajama party on the bottom.

I can only speak for myself here, but the arduous commute from bed to desk requires a uniform of the utmost utility and elasticity. Bonus points if something fuzzy and pink is involved. 

Personally, I like the thrill of it all. Once I clock in at Zoom University, the games begin. There’s a certain amount of finesse and strategy required. One false move and the ruse is up. Getting up to close your door will expose your Hello Kitty pants for sure. Angling your screen too far to the left, boom, a Ninja Turtles poster for the world to see — Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Raphael all exposed. Let’s hope it’s during your art history class. 

The true fun of this game lies in the mystery of what kind of pants, if any, am I wearing today? Only the individual player knows the answer, and that’s one secret I’ll never tell.

The point of the game is to celebrate one of the small freedoms we have gained in this rather unfortunate world of online classes. That is the freedom to match and mismatch our tops and bottoms at will. The only part visible to our fellow Zoomers is the top half, so pajama pants are totally fair game. This business on the top and party on the bottom mentality has the potential to liberate our hairstyles as well.

During normal class time, you can present the look of a dedicated student poised to take on the world, or at least your one o’clock philosophy class. Unbeknownst to your fellow classmates, the back of your hair will be perfectly coiffed, long and ready to party as soon as the camera switches off.

If we apply the same method of thinking to hairstyles, then mullets are the obvious choice. As a look that is iconically referred to as business in the front, party in the back, this is a hairstyle that was made for Zoom classes. 

During normal class time, you can present the look of a dedicated student poised to take on the world, or at least your one o’clock philosophy class. Unbeknownst to your fellow classmates, the back of your hair will be perfectly coiffed, long and ready to party as soon as the camera switches off. This kind of dual identity, bordering on alter ego realization, is enough to spice up any mundane Wednesday afternoon. Don’t believe me? Give it a try for yourself. 

In addition to the wildly fun, zany personality of the mullet, it also brings to the table some practical elements. For instance, if you, like many others, decided to take the plunge and give yourself a buzz cut during quarantine, the mullet offers a seamless transition into colder months. Buzz cuts are perfect for feeling the summer breeze tickle your scalp and absorbing optimum sunbeams onto a previously inaccessible surface. However, when winter comes around, you’ll be wishing for a little hair to keep you warm.

Mullets offer the best of both worlds, enabling you to keep it short and simple on top with a little more volume in the back. There’s even a more fashion-forward mullet dubbed the “chillet,” which gives the illusion of a mullet but keeps the hair the same length all around, as seen in Dazed Beauty’s recount of the mullet’s glorious past. If it’s good enough for David Bowie and Rihanna, then it’s good enough for me.

Be bold and go against the grain with your new hairstyle. Your Zoom classmates will be none the wiser unless you give ’em a quick hair flip. With a party on the bottom and a party in the back, it’s bound to spice up your daily Zoom meetings. During these uncertain times, the mullet is the perfect way to regain a sense of control while having some fun. And, hey, if you don’t like it, shave it all off and start over.