This spring, poor Fordham freshmen have found themselves in a sauna every time they set foot in their dorm rooms. The sun has decided to “go off” and turn up to full brightness as it shines into McKeon Hall, ratcheting the temperature up and creating a veritable indoor heatwave in the rooms of the delicate little freshmen.

Being one of these fragile sunflowers myself, I have tried everything to cool down the room when it’s sunny outside. I have closed the blinds. I  have opened the windows. I have bought numerous industrial-grade fans. My roommate said no to covering the floor in ice, but when she went home for the weekend, I decided I would do it anyway.

If it paid off, I would be a hero. Alas, it did not. Within seconds, I was standing in a pond four feet deep. I had flooded the hallway and brought intense shame upon my family. Even worse, I had wasted $40 on ice.

This was why I was overjoyed to learn that Fordham would finally be permitting the use of the floor as a cooking griddle.

Yes, we had to lose the oven in the kitchen on Floor 22. President Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J., spontaneously decided we needed more monogrammed cups and needed to find money in the budget. But in return for this noble sacrifice, Fordham will be equipping every student with a spatula, a personalized chef’s apron and a complimentary floor cleaning kit. No longer would the heat box I call my dorm serve a needless purpose. I can fry so many eggs.

Do I eat eggs? No, I find them disgusting. But I will cook so many anyway.

Some students may protest. “The floor is dirty,” they say. “I’m not going to cook where I walk,” they state. “Stop trying to quote me in your article,” they yell. I respect those concerns. That was me before Fordham gave us complimentary cleaning kits. Finally, my tuition bill makes sense. With a small mop and a tiny broom, the floor can quickly and easily be fully sanitized.

The floor griddle solves so many problems in the dorm. The fact that air conditioning has not been on the entire winter even when students’ rooms continue to climb in temperature is in fact a blessing. Sure, the dorm may be stifling, even when you open all your windows and beg your fan to work as hard as it can. But it is a gift in disguise as we come to the end of the school year. No more trekking up to the kitchen or waiting to use it when you want to bake cookies; the floor is at your disposal.

So many deodorant sticks, sweat-ridden shirts and high-power fans have been lost in the battle to cool down the dorm rooms in the heat. Many hours have been wasted trying to do work in a fruitless pursuit against the relentless beam of the sun. Now, brave warriors, it is worth something. All that has been lost has not been for nothing. Sitting in an 84 degree fahrenheit room may be a losing battle, but finally being allowed to use the scorching floor as a griddle is a war we should be proud to have won. The heat is useless no longer.

How do you like your eggs?