Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ve seen and heard tell of the mythic student-run cafe known as Saxbys, currently under construction where Argo Tea used to reside. While Fordham Rose Hill has been blessed with amenities such as food delivery robots and a single nap pod for commuters (tuition hikes from last year unrelated), Fordham Lincoln Center (FLC) has enjoyed an enduring promise of a replacement cafe “opening next month” for the past six months.
Except the title of “replacement cafe” doesn’t do Saxbys justice. It’s known by a name that bears much more gravitas: An Experiential Learning Platform Cafe (ELPC). If you’d like to witness this awe-inspiring exhibition of corporate jargon for yourself, head down to Saxbys and look across from the counter, where your excitement for the ELPC will be uninhibited, save for the nausea induced by the newly ugly Fordham logo emblazoned nearby on the wall.
Turning back to the ELPC itself, you’re greeted with white subway tile, bamboo slats and multiple iPads already turned toward the customer, primed and ready to ask you for a default 22% tip. You’ll feel like you’re getting a complete Bushwick cafe experience as you avoid eye contact with your barista — who also happens to be the student who asks to copy your homework in Texts and Contexts — while scrambling to find the no tip option.
The illusion will shatter, however, when you notice that they seem to have mistakenly applied all of their available blue pigment to their exterior walls instead of saving it for the hair of their employees. Earlier this week, I walked past what appeared to be new employees in training, and I can only say I was aghast. There was a suspicious lack of experimental body piercings in the crowd. I trembled at the thought of how my dirty chai with oat milk — a trustworthy order from the bygone era of Argo Tea — would taste after being prepared by these hands.
The disproportionately high concentration of blue hair per capita of Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) in comparison to Gabelli indicates that Fordham would be better served in encouraging its entire student body to apply when staffing Saxbys leadership. Instead, by allowing Gabelli students to lead the charge, the ELPC becomes a marketing ploy solely designed to bolster Fordham’s rankings as a business school.
Undeterred by baristas with minimal potential, Saxbys is charging toward a triumphant grand opening, hailed by Ram Hospitality as “the news (we’ve) all been waiting for” in a recent university-wide email. Just in case the tidings of this grand ceremony didn’t adequately stoke the flames of your excitement, you’ll also be able to play games, utilize the photo booth, acquire free merch and find out just what Saxbys means when they make the increasingly terrifying promise of “so much more!”
Don’t get too excited, because at its core, Saxbys adheres to its Fordham-specific slogan of “For Rams, By Rams.” That’s right — Saxbys is 100% student-run, and it definitely tastes like it.
If you can believe it, the sandy muffin wasn’t even the greatest disappointment I experienced. My eyes were set on a higher prize.
You might be wondering what grounds we have to cast aspersions upon the culinary delights of a cafe that has yet to open.
At the Saxbys tasting event last spring, where FLC students were graced with the rare presence of University President Tania Tetlow, I had the honor and privilege of receiving a 3-ounce Dixie-adjacent paper cup containing a mysterious beige liquid that the suspiciously cheery Saxbys corporate employees attempted to pass off as authentic spiced Indian tea blended with an appropriate ratio of sugar and milk. They were also distributing slivers of their well-advertised french toast muffin, which I found notable for its sandy texture and notes of burnt petroleum.
If you can believe it, the sandy muffin wasn’t even the greatest disappointment I experienced. My eyes were set on a higher prize.
In true Michelin Guidebook fashion, Saxbys has seen fit to include a steak grilled cheese in its catalogue of easily microwaved foods. I arrived at the tasting with my mouth watering at the thought of enjoying this advancement in the frontier of cuisine, but found myself plunged into the depths of despair upon realizing that they had excluded this delicacy from their tasting menu. It seems that I will have to wait until the grand opening to test the Saxbys menu’s claim that they’re “not loafing around with this one.”
Fordham may not have Greek life, but we do have Gabelli bros.
Also notably absent was the pickle grilled cheese, without which the diaspora of hot sandwiches would be doomed to remain forever incomplete.
As we count down the days till that months-in-the-making ceremony, this much is clear: Saxbys’ inadequate staffing strategies and concerningly creative menu promise a disappointing substitute for Argo Tea.
Much like a fraternity president addressing hazing reform, the student cafe executive officer (SCEO) will have much to contend with as this haphazard operation begins. Fordham may not have Greek life, but we do have Gabelli bros.
If you’re interested in knowing more about the esteemed and elusive SCEO, don’t worry. You need only cast your eyes upon the inch-thick plaque affixed to a column in the middle of the space in front of Saxbys with comically large metal fasteners. Hopefully, the wall isn’t load-bearing.
In the case of The Observer v. Saxbys, much is still unknown. However, one thing can be known for certain. Come Oct. 1, I’ll be in line eagerly awaiting that exhilarating combination of toothache-inducing chai, a disappointingly dry muffin and a carefully practiced brand of passive aggression known only to the most valuable members of Fordham’s student body who never fail to make sure that everyone knows they have much more important things to be doing. After all, when hypocrisy calls, we answer.
