If you’ve ever had the pleasure of taking a class at Rose Hill, you are surely aware of the Ram Van, Fordham’s splendid intercampus transportation. 

Maybe you’re a science major on your way to chemistry labs that Lincoln Center doesn’t have. Maybe you’re on your way to a club meeting, or heading out on a Friday night to visit Barnyard or Mugz’s. Or maybe you’re a classics major like myself, however unlikely that may be. In any case, the Ram Van is the shining star in a world of darkness of any trip to the Bronx. 

It seems the vans are late on purpose when you need to be early. You want to get to your 9 a.m. class at Rose Hill? The Ram Van will happily cruise into Lincoln Center at 9 a.m. so you’ll get to class an hour late. 

The first road you traverse, no matter whether you’re taking “Mosh,” “Overpass” or “Deegan,” is Henry Hudson Parkway, a pleasant trip if you’re looking to draw a seismogram with the notes you should be taking for your next class. 

If you ever need to go to Rose Hill and back but don’t have the free class pass, you can fork over $7 that you could’ve spent on a sushi tray from the Ram Cafe — taking the subway would be cheaper, costing you $5.50, but maybe your wallet or your innocence as well. 

It’s clear the student body is fed up with the service we get from the Ram Van, so Fordham should replace them with something more economical, practical and environmentally friendly: Rams in Vans. 

You’ve heard that Fordham used to have live Ram mascots — we should reinstate that tradition in a more modern way. Let’s send students to class on real rams. It will prepare these Manhattanites for life in the wilderness of Rose Hill. 

As for the “in Vans,” that’s where a corporate sponsorship slides onto the scene. Fordham’s always hoping for more money, and not only is a partnership with the shoe company Vans the perfect way to earn some real cash, but we can also outfit rams and Rams alike with footwear. 

The rams’ feet will be protected, and students will have more Fordham merch to throw out as soon as they graduate. Vans are popular, and a collaboration with the company will be a boost in income much greater than the amount they get from the few riders who currently pay $3.50 for each ride. Not only that, but we’d see increased ridership for the Instagram possibilities alone, and what other school can boast that it gives students the opportunity to ride on the school mascot on a regular basis? 

Besides the added revenue and publicity, Fordham would save thousands with Rams in Vans: No more gas expenses, no more vehicles in the shop and no complaints about what music the driver might be playing. When the rams aren’t wandering along Riverside Drive, the university can use them as free lawn care on Edwards Parade. 

In addition to helping the campus, Rams in Vans will aid you as a student: When you direct your own ram, you can take whichever route you want. Now you don’t need to page the piteous worker in the Ram Van Office ten miles away. Is there traffic on Henry Hudson Parkway? Take a stroll up scenic Riverside Drive. Don’t want to take I-95 back home? Wander down Grand Concourse, the Champs-Élysées of the Bronx. Want to go past Central Park? Nothing’s stopping you from riding all the way into the Bronx on Park Avenue. 

Sure, you might take issue with the speed of a ram carrying an average-sized person — but have you ever seen a ram run? Given that I’ve spent what feels like half my life on the Ram Van, I can attest to the Ram Van’s ridiculous snail speed. I’ve watched ants creep down the road faster than we travel. The construction workers have changed shifts 15 times as I’ve sat staring out the Ram Van window. I’ve grown and shaved six beards on a single ride. 

Is riding a Ram in Vans ethical? Yes.

The current Ram Van situation is definitely not, given that I’ve been forced into the middle of the back row between a man-spreader and a person who didn’t believe in deodorant. The driver blasted pop music and sang out of tune at top volume. Two days in real time and four years of mental anguish later, I emerged from the van a changed person. 

From their timely manner to their connections to the outdoors, Rams in Vans will guarantee a pleasant trip to Rose Hill for any Lincoln Center student. They’re less expensive than Ram Vans, less dangerous than the subway and highly unusual in New York — finally, something that gives Fordham a reason to stand out in its rankings. Could Columbia students ride lions to class? Of course not — that’s what makes Fordham so iconic.