Declaring student tuition “not enough,” on Nov. 14, the Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J., president of Fordham University, announced during a press briefing that the university would seek new sources of funding through the creation and broadcast of a new Fordham-themed “Bachelorette” franchise, airing this spring. 

The new show is titled “The Jesuitte” and features 25 Fordham Lincoln Center undergraduates competing for the heart of Olivia DiGiorno, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) ’21.

DiGiorno, who also attended the press conference, said she is seeking a man who is “the perfect study buddy,” “not afraid of the McMahon rats” and “a big fan of animals … including Blue Goose.” 

While the men competing for DiGiorno’s heart have not been announced, The Rubberneck spoke to a source close to the show who revealed several juicy details. 

The frontrunner is considered to be John Hughes, Gabelli School of Business (GSB) ’20, an international business major with a concentration in marketing, who stood out on his first introduction to DiGiorno by revealing that he only uses mango mint Juul pods. During his first interview, he said that he doesn’t brush his teeth because he feels that “the mango mint does all the work.”

Other candidates include several English majors trying to find someone who will unbury them from student debt, one freshman who got lost on his way to class and a student from Rose Hill as a diversity candidate. 

Dates will include a university-sponsored $25 shopping spree at the bookstore, a never-ending elevator ride in Lowenstein and some romantic abstinence. The hours of 3:30-6:00 a.m. have never felt safer. 

Before the final rose, the two men left standing and DiGiorno will be taken on a vacation to the exotic location of Fordham’s Westchester, New York campus. 

Playing host will be new Dean of Fordham College Lincoln Center, Laura Auricchio, who said that she’s “genuinely excited to meet a student from Rose Hill.”

The university has pledged to spend advertising and merchandise revenues on completely blacked-out glasses so students no longer have to watch the painful losses of the Fordham football team. 

The university has faced significant blowback for this decision, which critics charge as “incredibly stupid,” a “complete waste of money” and “the very antithesis of the values that this university was founded on.”

The editorial staff of The Rubberneck takes a firm stand against these charges. Is “The Jesuitte” any more ridiculous than the 536-foot-long Lazy River that Louisiana State University sports? The 250-cubic foot hot tub at Ohio State University? Any more ridiculous than the sheer mass of money that our university already spends on plastic monogrammed cups?

“The Jesuitte” promises to bring riches and prestige to Fordham, a school often lacking both of those qualities. 

Tune in to the first episode when it releases, and watch the Jesuit sparks fly.