Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit



Paging Gwen Stefani.


Amidst all the drama in Washington and around the world, we have lost sight of the real menace plaguing society: bananas.

Beloved by PTA moms and monkeys everywhere, the seemingly humble banana hides great evil in its fibrous and overly stringy depths. It may have thick skin, but that outer shell shields the world from viewing its dire downfalls. These downfalls come in bunches, but the main ones are how hard it is to eat them, their taste and smell.

The whole point of eating food is that you shouldn’t have to struggle in order to do it. Yet if you take a look at the dining hall in the mornings, you will see multiple students hunching over bananas, trying to peel them like raccoons clawing into garbage cans.

Once you manage to break the peel open (losing several nails in the process), the problem becomes what you can do next. By the time you finish opening the peel, your dining companion has finished eating, the dining hall staff are looking at you to leave and you’ve already shaken Father McShane’s hand and received your diploma.

These trials and tribulations to eat bananas just aren’t worth it. A good fruit is like a final verdict from a judge: lacking a-peel.

Moving on to taste, there’s a whole host of other problems. Bananas taste like mushy styrofoam that’s been left outside too long. It’s the taste equivalent of doing your tax returns. And while all of that is happening on your tongue, you have to duck and bob the weird brown bits, avoid that one black bit at the end and pray the whole structure doesn’t crumble into pieces around your face.

Once you peel a banana, there’s no escaping the smell. If you don’t eat it immediately, everything else you own will smell and taste like bananas as well. Big Apple, meet Big Banana. And what a smell that is. Bananas have this nauseatingly saccharine scent akin to grungy 1950s diners and that one waitress who chews gum while she takes your order.

Tragically, some students at Fordham University have gone bananas and raved about the fruit. The Instagram account “The Fordham Banana” regularly spits out banana propaganda. They feature students with the bedeviled fruit, posing with bananas and acting as if they are having the best time in the world. But don’t worry — I know the truth.

If we continue to allow bananas on campus, Fordham will descend into chaos. This can go on no longer. Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to stop monkeying around. Someone has to peel away from the crowd. So let’s make like a banana and split from the Big Fruit agenda.