The Observer

Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

Paging+Gwen+Stefani.
Back to Article
Back to Article

Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

Paging Gwen Stefani.

Paging Gwen Stefani.

SYDNEY EBBELER/THE OBSERVER

Paging Gwen Stefani.

SYDNEY EBBELER/THE OBSERVER

SYDNEY EBBELER/THE OBSERVER

Paging Gwen Stefani.

By GRACE GETMAN, Staff Writer

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Amidst all the drama in Washington and around the world, we have lost sight of the real menace plaguing society: bananas.

Beloved by PTA moms and monkeys everywhere, the seemingly humble banana hides great evil in its fibrous and overly stringy depths. It may have thick skin, but that outer shell shields the world from viewing its dire downfalls. These downfalls come in bunches, but the main ones are how hard it is to eat them, their taste and smell.

The whole point of eating food is that you shouldn’t have to struggle in order to do it. Yet if you take a look at the dining hall in the mornings, you will see multiple students hunching over bananas, trying to peel them like raccoons clawing into garbage cans.

Once you manage to break the peel open (losing several nails in the process), the problem becomes what you can do next. By the time you finish opening the peel, your dining companion has finished eating, the dining hall staff are looking at you to leave and you’ve already shaken Father McShane’s hand and received your diploma.

These trials and tribulations to eat bananas just aren’t worth it. A good fruit is like a final verdict from a judge: lacking a-peel.

Moving on to taste, there’s a whole host of other problems. Bananas taste like mushy styrofoam that’s been left outside too long. It’s the taste equivalent of doing your tax returns. And while all of that is happening on your tongue, you have to duck and bob the weird brown bits, avoid that one black bit at the end and pray the whole structure doesn’t crumble into pieces around your face.

Once you peel a banana, there’s no escaping the smell. If you don’t eat it immediately, everything else you own will smell and taste like bananas as well. Big Apple, meet Big Banana. And what a smell that is. Bananas have this nauseatingly saccharine scent akin to grungy 1950s diners and that one waitress who chews gum while she takes your order.

Tragically, some students at Fordham University have gone bananas and raved about the fruit. The Instagram account “The Fordham Banana” regularly spits out banana propaganda. They feature students with the bedeviled fruit, posing with bananas and acting as if they are having the best time in the world. But don’t worry — I know the truth.

If we continue to allow bananas on campus, Fordham will descend into chaos. This can go on no longer. Someone has to take a stand. Someone has to stop monkeying around. Someone has to peel away from the crowd. So let’s make like a banana and split from the Big Fruit agenda.

About the Writer
GRACE GETMAN, Staff Writer

Grace Getman, Fordham College at Lincoln Center '22, is a staff writer who has written for The Observer since September 2018. An Environmental Studies...

1 Comment

One Response to “Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit”

  1. Marian Waelder on December 7th, 2018 11:45 am

    Couldn’t agree with you more Grace! Exactly my feelings since I was 4 years old.

If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a gravatar.




Navigate Left
  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Opinions

    There Is More Than Enough Citizenship to Go Around

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Fordham

    Suffering from FOMO? Here’s What You Should Really Fear

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Opinions

    Victoria’s Secret, It’s Time to Make a Change

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Fordham

    Free Speech Belongs on College Campuses

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Opinions

    What Not to Say During the Holidays

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Opinions

    Staff Editorial: Rise Above DeVos’s Proposal

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Opinions

    DeVos’s New Title IX Proposal Is Fair for Everyone

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Opinions

    What Democrats Can Learn from the Midterms

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Fordham

    Fordham Hasn’t Learned Its Lesson on Trans Rights

  • Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit

    Opinions

    Halloween Retrospective: Why You Still Can’t Dress as “Mexican”

Navigate Right
The Student Voice of Fordham Lincoln Center
Bananas Are the Devil’s Fruit