What is Your (Unscrupulous) Get-Rich-Quick Scheme?


Aries – Frantically selling everything online. If you need money, you will find a way to get it ASAP. Whether it’s Poshmark or eBay, you will pick random items lying around to make a quick buck. 

Taurus – A lemonade stand. You have an enterprising spirit. As long as you stay committed (which you are well known to do), you can make anything work. 

Gemini – NFTs. I hate to say it, but this is for you. You’re always trying to find the next new, big thing. You will adapt to this new trend and get crypto-bros clamoring for your cartoon ape JPEG.

Cancer – Multi-level marketing. The stars say it, so I must report it. You are so in touch with everyone’s emotions that you’ll be great at manipulating people into buying the soap that you bought from someone who bought it from someone who …

Leo – Crypto trading. You are so sure of your wit, strength and ego that you will be great at becoming the whale who sells their share, leaving millions of normal people with a worthless line of code.

Virgo – Nothing. You can be calm, cool and collected enough to recognize that money isn’t everything. You’ll sit back and watch everyone go crazy getting their bag. Maybe you’ll spend your time focusing on yourself … or watching TikToks.

Libra – A little bit of everything. You’re balanced, but you also can’t make up your mind. You can dabble in manual labor, gambling and other ventures — and maybe all of them combined will really bring you prosperity!

Scorpio – Just grind. You’re so hardworking; you commit to one thing and never cease working on it, sometimes to your detriment. “Alpha Grindset” is practically your middle name! It’ll probably work out … one day.

Sagittarius – Whatever is easiest — probably reselling stuff. You know your grandpa’s old saber from the war? You’re liable to put it on Craigslist and get whatever you can for it. You want the cash, and you’ll be creative to get it.

Capricorn – Robbery. Your ambition will drive you to get what you want, period. If you see a nice bag (or bank), you might not be able to resist the urge to literally get that bag. 

Aquarius – Scam artistry. It kind of counts as being an artist! Listen, you’re not interested in feelings as much as in doing your own thing. Maybe you’ll sell a new miracle cure or essential oils. 

Pisces – Who needs money? As a Pisces, you see through the facade that is the liquid transfer of value. You are more interested in finding yourself. Focus on finding your higher purpose — unless, of course, your higher purpose is to make money.