Horoscopes, Issue 7


Virgo: Aug. 23-Sept. 22

As Virgo season ends, embrace your feminine side. You may not be a maiden, but a little bit of TLC never hurt anybody.

Libra: Sept. 23-Oct. 22

On a scale of 1-10, rate your work-life balance. If it falls below a 5, use your better judgment; scale back on work and you’ll come out triumphant.

Scorpio: Oct. 23-Nov. 21

Don’t let your rush to catch the Leon Lowenstein Center elevators turn you into a prick. It’s much better to take the stairs than to be regarded as a lunatic. 

Sagittarius: Nov. 22-Dec. 21

Feeling indecisive? Centaur yourself before making a choice, and if all else fails, you can’t go wrong with picking half and half. 

Capricorn: Dec. 21-Jan. 20

Doubting that you’re the GOAT? Don’t be a silly billy, baaaaalieve in your own hooves. 

Aquarius: Jan. 21-Feb. 18

The storm is over, for now. But the consequences of the flood are still yours to bear. Don’t forget to hydrate as you carry their weight. 

Pisces: Feb. 19-Mar. 20

The new school year has just begun, and you may feel like you’re swimming against the tide. But don’t worry, you’ll soon find a home with your school (whether that’s fish, friends or at a college at Fordham Lincoln Center).

Aries: Mar. 21-Apr. 19

Watch out for rams this week — you never know when an extra burst of school spirit might hit you … Or you might just get impaled by their horns.

Taurus: Apr. 20-May 20

You’ll find yourself on a wild ride this week, Taurus. Hopefully, it won’t be as tumultuous as one on an actual bull, but you never know, especially if you’re sitting in the back of a Ram Van. 

Gemini: May 21-June 20

Your twin XL bed might be feeling lonely as the weather changes, but don’t lose hope—someone to share it with is just around the corner. 

Cancer: June 21-July 22

You might be feeling crabby this week. Fear not, a pinch of pumpkin spice and a whiff of sea breeze will cure your September blues before you know it. 

Leo: July 23-Aug. 22

Your roars may seem more like yawns these days, but with a power vacuum left by Father McShane’s announcement, get ready to step up and feel like kings again.