Satire – Gale Unveiled: Hallway Breeze a Blessing



Easy, breezy, beautiful: A student experiences the blessing of Fr. McShane.


With the beginning of the new year comes an inevitable drop in temperatures. As many students seek shelter in the warm halls of Fordham University, one peculiarity continues to torment the students: the small, ever-present breeze in the hallway from McKeon Hall to Quinn Library.

It seems to come from nowhere and everywhere all at once — power walk forward and it seems as if the breeze is propelling you further, motivating you to walk faster than ever before. But stop for a moment and note that the breeze doesn’t waver for a second in intensity; it is controlled by nothing and no one.

The untrained eye might deem this as a flaw in engineering, a wayward vent pointed in the wrong direction. But there are those special few who can look beyond the facade and understand that this is no ordinary hallway. There are forces far more powerful than physics at play in this humble walkway.

At first, the hallway was marked as a curse upon the student body. One student, carrying her handwritten 400-page manuscript, swept into the hallway only for her papers to be scattered haphazardly all over the ground. She never wrote again.

Another, having meticulously styled her hair for a job interview, walked down what she thought was a normal corridor only to come out the other end with a full blown perm instead of the gentle waves present only moments before.

But upon closer investigation, it appears that this wind isn’t so one-dimensional. In fact, it seems to be quite similar in strength to a certain Jesuit priest beloved by the student population. Rev. Joseph M. McShane, S.J., president of our school, and hero of many glorious memes, is known for his power walk about the school. Could this wind perhaps be a sign from the king of Fordham himself, pushing students to strut about with the same intensity he does? The answer seems to be yes.

We all know that New Yorkers walk fast. But what is even faster? The president of Fordham University on his way to throw down at the nearby church for an off-the-(gold Jesus)-chain Mass. By placing this powerful wind in the hallway, Father McShane is telling students that they too can harness the four natural elements of earth as he does and stride with the power of a thousand worlds on fire behind them.

Critics will say that the breeze is nothing more than that, but to the true believers in the power of Jesu-lits, it’s obvious what is at play here. Feel the wind in your hair as you walk that hall and know that the power of this institution is behind you with the strength and speed of broke Fordham students on their way to Midnight Breakfast.