Fighting Extremism with Extremism




This extremist protester has the right idea.


The neo-Nazis’ tiki torches glow near.

In this dark hour for America, reason, honor and dignity have failed us. Centrism and compromise are the new worst c-words. The alt-right tips the spectrum radically right, and radical leftists swing in the opposite direction. The last time the president of the United States reached across the aisle was to grab a diet coke from Air Force One’s mini fridge.

We live in an era of extremism.

Radicals on both sides have led their followers off the same cliff, and America is sick and tired of terrible solutions where everyone wins a little and loses a little. We’ve tried all the conventional remedies to the internal conflicts that plague us — It’s high time we try the rest of them. The playbook is out the window; in a country plagued by extremism and acute lack of compassion, we can’t beat ’em. We might as well join ’em.

It’s clear to see our dysfunctional government is beyond saving. The time for understanding has passed. To hell with Smokey the Bear, let’s fight fire with fire.

Extremism is the much-needed antidote to America’s problem with extremism. The current situation calls for a reactionary movement like no other; one that doubles down so hard on any existing extreme values that it comes full circle in opposition. We’ve fostered a population ravenous for outrage and itching for change. Let’s give them what they want.

The economy must be the first to experience the tender ham-fists of extremism. Some scream, “The economy is good! The market is bull!” Others say something dumb along the lines of “The economy is not represented by the stock market, as only 50 percent of Americans own stock!” From one side of the aisle, people yell “Extreme regulation is harming business!” All the way from the other dirtier, grosser, stupider side, Neanderthals counter that “Extreme deregulation is irreversibly poisoning the earth and disproportionately affecting the already disenfranchised!” It’s hopeless. We really can’t seem to reach a conclusion with such wildly conflicting, blindly radical positions on our current capitalist structure.

The solution? Throw it out. Restructure the American economy into a feudal agrarian superpower free from acronyms, Dows, Walls, streets and those red and green arrows that make people so mad. Underemployment? Impossible to track if everyone’s a farmer. Much of the world’s currency manifests in something other than physical cash. This extreme, dogmatic worship of invisible, intangible, arbitrarily-valued squiggly symbols is tearing our country apart. We must counter it with a complete reversal to the barter system. Wampum is also acceptable.

The scope of extremism doesn’t end there. We are altogether too worried in this day and age about healthcare — whether we need it, whether we deserve it and whether any government has an obligation to provide “affordable care,” if you will, regardless of one’s economic situation. Taking into consideration one’s right to continue to live? A little far-fetched indeed. We are called upon in this moment to abolish modern medicine, letting natural selection do its work to thin the herds. By some estimates, this revolutionary strategy will cut the amount of people with poor vision in half by 2090, letting our four-eyed friends with outdated prescriptions fall victim to tiger attacks like nature intended. This is the only way Americans can put a stop to the elites’ pushing of radical views down our (possibly strep-infected) throats.

Bringing fresh, new extremist values to fruition in America does not stop with simply the economy and healthcare — no, there is much more work to be done if extremism is to be repealed and replaced.

America is a country known worldwide for its extreme eating. However, our red-blooded hotdog eating contests risk extinction in the face of reactionary health militants. We’ve seen the screaming, blood-throwing, vitamin B12-deficient vegans take over our streets and flood our supermarkets with their meaty falsehoods. No more; it is our duty to counter with radical meat and dairy consumption. Only venison milkshakes and egg yolk sundaes can save us, and not a moment too soon — Radical health culture was most assuredly on the verge of making us live long enough to deal with the consequences of our actions. Our heart attack numbers have been middling lately; we can make heart disease great again.

Moreover, desperate times surely call for desperate measures. Centimeters, for example. Celsius. Perhaps describing our weight in stone is what this country needs. Stick it to the status quo and measure your french fries in Paris Inches (Freedom Inches?). In lieu of leaders we can trust, we must turn to liters we can count on. Do extreme conditions in our country call us to go to equally ridiculous lengths to oppose them? The point ’Smoot.

These are but some of the wide-ranging extremes we can go to in order to snatch Uncle Sam from the jaws of extremism.

Some may shy away from these modestly-proposed solutions. That means they’re what our country most desperately needs. Finding solutions and being irrationally angry were once mutually-exclusive, but our country demands that we come up with ill-conceived, reactionary ways to counter our knee-jerk, blindly-extremist sorry state of affairs.

Jump on the radical train before it’s too late. After all, extremist views win elections and get the most screen time. Most importantly, they get a reaction out of lazy, politically-apathetic radical moderates weary of the ping-pong of extremism and too millennial or something to check their morals at the door and join in the fun like the rest of us. I really hate those guys.

Our politics are extreme, our weather is extreme, and lately, we’ve been flirting with unity enough to warrant some legitimate concern. We have no choice but to perpetuate the cycle recklessly for our own amusement. The future is in our irresponsible hands, America.

So are you in or what?