As the weather starts to warm and the leaves come back to the trees, I have noticed that people in my life have a sudden urge to rekindle old flames. Let this column be a cautionary tale — put your phone down. Do not text them. Do not reread old texts. Do not look at their social media. Do not look at their new partner’s social media. In fact, delete the burner account that you use to stalk their Instagram. In a culture that idealizes romantic relationships far too much, it is time we all have a crash course on how to embrace being single.
Why are you interested in getting in contact with someone who you blame for the ending of your relationship? Perhaps you need closure. Maybe you did not get the intimate details during the breakup that you needed to properly close the lid on the connection. Do you think contacting that person will solve the problem? If you are looking for closure, know that you will not find it in the lost person. If their past words are rushing through your mind or you are lusting after one last touch, know that speaking to this person will not quell that desire. It will only make it worse.
My favorite way to get closure on my relationships is to look at each one for exactly what it was. Ancient history is meant to be studied. Map out the events and the facts of your relationship. If it was more of a long-term relationship, start small. How would a journalist report on your relationship? What are the facts? If this person really hurt you then map out what intervention is necessary to heal these scars.
When you learn to live with all that you have done to and with another person, you truly get closure on the relationship.
You will most likely fail to find closure in your assessment of the other person. He never valued my perspective! They never made time for my needs! She completely disregarded my emotions! While I am sure these qualms are completely valid, there is no way to fix the past. Complaining without a way to resolve the situation is a way of escaping accountability.
When you learn to live with all that you have done to and with another person, you truly get closure on the relationship. Be honest with yourself and ask which parts of the relationship failed because of your actions. It is the single most rewarding question during your healing process. Knowing where you went wrong in the past will inspire you to do better in the future. It is hard to do right by a person you have wronged in the romance department.
Perhaps you just want to see them again. You remember how your body shudders when you are near them, and you would do anything for that feeling. You are walking on the sidewalk and see a silhouette that could be them and flirt with a fight-or-flight breakdown all in a matter of seconds. As they brush past, you realize it is not your ex but a random person on the street getting where they are going. As you continue down the street, you are left thinking God, if only I could see them one more time.
You know that date you have in mind? You wish for a dramatic reconciliation in the rain, running to the nearest indie movie theater and sipping cocktails in a trendy bar. You yearn for one more picnic together in Central Park, munching on charcuterie and slugging down Pinot Grigio. You long for the opportunity of stumbling into their bedroom, peeling off your clothes and unwinding into bed. The truth is you can fly solo on all these dates.
The first step in ditching the urge to text your ex is getting in touch with the person you were before they got caught up in your mind. To clear your thoughts, you need to remind yourself of the person you were before you met your ex. My gay millennial therapist calls it “taking yourself on a date.” I like to call it flying solo.
Flying solo reminds you that you were a whole person before your other half came into your life and left you feeling incomplete. Some suggest delving into entirely new adventures to get over your ex. New adventures are unfulfilling as they only remind you of how different things are now that you are on the other side of this relationship. When “taking yourself on a date” as a newly single person, start with something familiar. Maybe something that your ex-partner would never indulge during your relationship.
Being single is a gift.
Perhaps you are just horny. It has been a while since someone’s touch has meant as much as theirs, and you just want to get it on. What is your endgame here? Getting back with an ex is never a good idea. There is a reason why you two know you are incompatible. Why would you put yourself through the emotional pain of rediscovery months or years later? Get over it.
Maybe you just want a casual thing and your ex is looking like a good option. Are you crazy? This has to be some elaborate form of self-harm. If you are truly that horny, for the love of God just ask someone out. If you need guides on how to ask someone out or how to improve your game, I have you covered. Find someone else. Whether it is a class crush, someone from a club or God forbid a dating app, casual sexual relationships are best without your old flame.
Beyond sex, maybe you crave intimacy. You miss the familiarity of partnership. You miss sharing feelings with the person you desire most. You miss the push and pull of lying in bed together. You miss crying on their shoulder as they kiss your forehead, telling you “Everything is going to be okay.”
You miss your support system. Sometimes I miss finding comfort in the one I love. You can replace emotional intimacy with a routine. The method is dummy-proof. Create a routine that allows for self-improvement — make time for exercise, healthy eating and passion projects. There are chasms of yourself that have yet to be filled. Routines are the best way to treat post-breakup blues and ensure that you will always be there for yourself.
Being single is a gift. Do not throw that away by going back to something that has ended. Texting your ex is an infallible way to ruin your life. When scars are aching, it can be tempting to open old wounds, but that will only lead to more stinging pain. Do not get back together with them. Do not try to make things better between the two of you. Do not even text your ex.