To my first-year-self, any other eggs, and everyone else at our Jesuit school:
You don’t know who you are yet. Every day, you wake up, brush your teeth, comb your hair and stick some pomade in it so the quiff stays. Getting dressed is one of the biggest challenges of your day. Baggy T-shirts and short shorts are not doing it anymore, so you moved on to flannels and baggy jeans. You want to hide your body.
You are a student at Fordham University openly questioning your gender identity. People call you “he,” which makes you queasy. You feel stupid for having such a strong reaction to only two letters. You invalidate how you feel, claiming that you are overreacting. Everyone has these shameful feelings, and you should push them down. Pushing down your feelings is a quintessential step to feeling better about yourself, obviously.
You have been telling people to refer to you by any pronouns. Professors scoff and give the occasional “Well, that’s just stupid.” You realize that Fordham College at Lincoln Center is not the progressive Jesuit liberal arts haven it poses as. You finish your day with a breakdown on your McMahon bathroom floor. The floor is downright disgusting because you live with three boys. Bawling, you sulk into bed. The transgender thoughts follow you into your dreams, and then you wake up. Like I said, you don’t know who you are yet.
Inscribing transphobia into law does not help these children at risk.
In that way, you’re like an egg. An egg is a slang term for a trans person who has not transitioned yet, a person who does not know how to name the feeling of gender dysphoria yet — someone who has not yet cracked.
Tennessee recently passed a law keeping doctors from “treating purported discomfort or distress” caused by gender dysphoria in minors. Last April, the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) filed a lawsuit against the state of Tennessee to block the ban on “medical procedures … performed for the purpose of enabling a minor to identify with, or live as, a purported identity inconsistent with the minor’s sex.” The Tennessee government is taking away hormones from transgender youth.
Last Wednesday, Chase Strangio, representing the ACLU, argued that the law is unconstitutional because it contains a sex classification at the Supreme Court. As Solicitor General Elizabeth Prolagar pointed out, the law “is expressly defined in terms of treatments that are inconsistent with sex” assigned at birth. Sex classifications are a violation of the Equal Protection Clause in the constitution.
Gender dysphoria can cause dissociation so strong that you cannot process your emotions. You tend to beat yourself up for thinking you might be transgender. The government siding with transphobic arguments feels like confirmation of your internalized transphobia.
Inscribing transphobia into law does not help these children at risk. As Brett Kavanaugh said, “If the treatment’s barred, some kids will suffer because they can’t access the treatment.”
The period during which you are confident that you are transgender but feel as though you cannot transition is agonizing. Hormone replacement therapy is the single most effective method of alleviating your gender dysphoria during this time. While gender dysphoria leads you to desire spontaneous human combustion, it does go away.
You know what you look like — awkward, messy, in-between — but you want to be referred to by her and she. Your professors do not care.
Once, you were lying on your couch thinking about whether or not you were transgender. You were 11 or 12. You remember thinking, “I would love to be transgender. I would hate to transition, and I have no idea what it means to be a girl.”
You decide to come out the summer after your first year at Fordham. You are 18 years old. You begin medically transitioning, starting the awkward phase. The year after you came out as transgender feels like the most embarrassing year of your life. For the first time, you do not feel sexy, confident or cool. You feel cringeworthy. Whenever you correct someone on your pronouns, it reminds you of all the “I identify as an attack helicopter” memes you laughed at in middle school.
The awkward phase is awful because people start giving you double-takes as they are not sure whether you are a woman or a man. Your peers love to snicker at you for experimenting with gender expression. That being said, sometimes your outfits are revealing or downright unfashionable. You become the girl that guys will ignore in class but gawk at on the sidewalk.
You tried to use the women’s bathroom before, but one of the cafeteria workers cursed you out of there. Now, you’re scared to pee at Fordham.
Professors tense up the second you enter the room. They have no idea what you are but know they might be in trouble if they call you the wrong thing. You just want to learn. Class ends, and you stay behind to talk to your professors after reviewing the syllabus. You tell your professors that you are transitioning. You know what you look like — awkward, messy, in-between — but you want to be referred to by her and she. Your professors do not care.
Another semester goes by; you have given up on correcting professors because, at this point, you do not care. They are not going to get it right anyway. Some professors try their best to make you feel comfortable, which you appreciate. However, they still misgender you and do not understand that you want to be treated like every other student. It is okay. The awkward phase will end. People will still misgender you. It never ends.
Cisgender students love to take their sweet time in gender-neutral bathrooms. Most of your cisgender peers do not understand that gender-neutral bathrooms are the only place on campus where you can pee. You do not feel comfortable in the men’s bathroom now that you have breasts. You tried to use the women’s bathroom before, but one of the cafeteria workers cursed you out of there. Now, you’re scared to pee at Fordham.
His argument that de-transition is shameful or unfortunate is rooted in an idea that transition is disgraceful or tragic.
Tennessee Solicitor General Matthew Rice, a former Minor League Baseball player, stepped up to bat, building the defense’s argument around the purpose and risk associated with being transgender and receiving these treatments. His argument was that the law does not contain a sex classification because they are banning hormones for both boys and girls. The law only targets those minors pursuing treatment as a means to transition from their sex assigned at birth. As Justice Elena Kagan said, “What’s really going on here is a — a — a discrimination against, a disregard for young people who are trans.”
The Court devolved into a “Twitter-like” debate about public bathrooms, trans women in sports, and, most significantly, de-transitioners. Rice claims that the state has the right to make this classification because some people regret their transition. His argument that de-transition is shameful or unfortunate is rooted in an idea that transition is disgraceful or tragic. As Justice Sonia Sotomayor said in the hearing, “Every medical treatment has a risk, even taking aspirin.”
Associate Justice Alito cited the Cass Review throughout the hearing, claiming that “the risks of puberty blockers and gender-affirming treatment are likely to outweigh the expected benefits of these treatments.” Justice Alito’s alma mater, Yale Law School, published a series of papers and reports critiquing and debunking the Cass Review called the Integrity Project. They claim that “the Review repeatedly misuses data and violates its own evidentiary standards by resting many conclusions on speculation.” The Cass Review was cited ten times throughout the hearing.
As they closed out the hearing, Justice Sotomayor asked, “Counselor, given your argument, you’re saying your state can block gender treatment for adults, too?”
General Prelogar quickly retorted to Justice Alito’s assertion, “If you actually look at how those jurisdictions are addressing this issue, they have not outright banned this care.” The Cass Review is a study commissioned by the UK’s socialized healthcare system, the National Health Service (NHS). The NHS currently allows hormone replacement therapy for those above the age of 16. However, puberty blockers are banned in the UK despite having been used to treat cisgender children experiencing precocious puberty for decades.
As they closed out the hearing, Justice Sotomayor asked, “Counselor, given your argument, you’re saying your state can block gender treatment for adults, too?”
Rice claimed “that a law dealing with adults” should be reviewed. Sotomayor countered that he was “licensing states to deprive grown adults” of the right to transition. Wavering, Rice stated if such a law were to be introduced for adults, the Supreme Court would likely overturn it, given that the Court “has not hesitated to hold laws unconstitutional … when they are rooted in unsubstantiated fears and prejudices.”
Justice Sotomayor responded, “That’s quite an interesting way to protect a population.”
While the Supreme Court is arguing over transgender rights, you are happy now. Don’t get me wrong, you are scared of what the future looks like for a person like you, but you have learned how not to let that get in the way of your happiness. There has been a legislative attack on transgender people in the last three years in our country. There have been 669 anti-trans bills introduced across the country this year so far which is quite dramatic for such a small subset of the population.
Transitioning is necessary for you, now more than ever. One day, you will look at yourself in the mirror and love what you see, and it will all be worth it to you. You will see a girl looking back at you. You have always seen that in yourself, but you will become it. You will fall in love with the art of becoming. Each day, you find strength in understanding that you are loved by whatever force of nature brought you to this experience.
Love,
Ryann