CIARA LYSCIO/THE OBSERVER

There must be three elements to a date: a gift, a sense of adventure and an act of service.

I have high standards. Like many girls, I think I’m a New York 10, or maybe a nine, but definitely at least an eight. What can I say? I’m a cocky girl. I’m used to being spoiled by the men I date. My first boyfriend at Fordham took me on a one-month anniversary trip to the Catskills. I have a type: young urban professionals. Most of the guys I have seen have been yuppie-scum, six-foot and over. I learned these guys tend to be vapid, superficial and shallow. Do I go for the wrong guys? Are my standards too high? Am I attracting these guys because I am vapid, superficial and shallow?

There must be three elements to a date: a gift, a sense of adventure and an act of service. A plan ought to have two of the three elements to be classified as a date to initiate romantic and sexual intimacy. Let’s be clear: this is about dating in the early phase prior to commitment. Are these standards why I’ve never had a successful long-term adult relationship? Is it bad to have high standards so I do not waste my time? Most of the romantic experiences you have in your life will be first, second and third dates that go nowhere. Am I closing myself off to opportunities? 

While we did not work out, this experience taught me that I should expect the princess treatment from all casual partners. 

What do I mean by a gift? It does not have to be a huge gift. It can be coffee, lunch, dinner or maybe even a drink (if you’re over the age of 21). Doing something with a sense of adventure is crucial to any first date. It says: I want to share experiences with you. First dates are best away from home. Get lost in New York City. Acts of service like cooking a meal for your date or helping them study can be a good place to start — but make sure that the date does not stop there. 

Over the summer, I was seeing a guy who would invite me over and pay for food delivery and my Uber home. While his generosity felt romantic, I soon learned that generosity does not mean dating. Yes, there were gifts. However, unlike dating, “the princess treatment” has no sense of adventure and no act of service. I can make food at home and take the subway. While we did not work out, this experience taught me that I should expect the princess treatment from all casual partners. 

Some guys give you the “princess treatment” to get you to like them and be confused about where the relationship is going. It can feel romantic — do not fall for it. One time a guy said to me, “Girls have sex differently if they like you. They’ll put out more.” Not every guy has the malicious intent of getting you to fall for him so he has more access to your body, but some of them do. So watch out. 

Recently, I went on an amazing first date. I made him plan it. We got drinks at a bar and then saw a movie. He was perfect. We hit it off. I told him I wanted to see him again, and that he should text me. I always require the man to take the lead on planning dates. If he does not want to, he is not worth it. Of course, I am not too aloof that he loses interest. I’m not afraid to ask, “What did you have in mind?” Put him to work, I figure. Men love to feel useful.

Why is this? The answer might be found in hormones. According to scientists at Georgetown University, oxytocin and vasopressin are the two major hormones responsible for partner bonding. Among other responsibilities, oxytocin is the female pair-bonding hormone, and vasopressin is the male pair-bonding hormone. Oxytocin is “the pillow-talk” chemical. It is released through quality time, physical touch and everyone’s favorite: sexual activity. Vasopressin is “the conquest-chemical.” Similarly, it is also released through sexual activity; however, release is triggered when navigating stressful situations — like planning a date. 

I did not hear back from my amazing first date. I’m not sure what I did wrong. The conversation was great. He could barely look me in the eyes without swooning. Again, I thought we hit it off. I wonder if he thought that I expected too much of him. What’s wrong with having high expectations? It’s not working out too well, but I thought having high self-worth was attractive.

In an ideal world, we are happy, money and hateful people do not exist. We fall in love. You are a 10-out-of-10, and so am I, obviously.

Any guy who’s gotten past the non-committal limbo stage with me has been someone with a magnetic personality who paid the check. Courtship is about combining and protecting assets between families. Should pillars of an ancient institution be cast aside in the name of women’s liberation? I thought enforcing “the rules” in an age where the rules don’t matter signals to your man that he needs to come correct or he won’t be coming at all.

Last week, I was walking down Avenue A in the East Village with two friends. A group of random people came up to us and started yelling. I thought the best course of action would be to disengage and keep walking. It was not until a man shouted “TRANNY” and threw a Coke can at me that I realized I was being harassed for being a transgender woman. I immediately got in a taxi. Through my slightly-intoxicated rage, I decided to text some of the men in my contacts, including my one date wonder. I know drunk texting is not New York 10 behavior, but I wanted someone to soothe my pain.

In an ideal world, we are happy, money and hateful people do not exist. We fall in love. You are a 10-out-of-10, and so am I, obviously. In an ideal world, women are not subjected to the oppressive force of patriarchy. Unfortunately, I do not live in an ideal world. It is your duty as a man to prove your good intentions. I feel empowered when enforcing the antiquated rules of heteronormativity and courtship. 

But in reality, are these standards getting in the way of a good time? Do I take dating too seriously? In my life, I want to love many people in the most honest way I can. Perhaps my dating ideals are vapid, superficial and shallow, and that is creating that void in my love life. Am I finding empowerment in enforcing the rules of heteronormativity or gender affirmation and validation? Are those the same things? Will I ever be truly free? 

Sometimes I stare up at my ceiling thinking like this, and I remember it’s not that deep. This best dating advice I have ever gotten was from a friend in high school. She said, “Chill.” I have a new challenge for the Ramily this issue: Go ask three of your fellow Rams on a date. Use my guide if you struggle with date planning, or if you think you know better than I do, I’d like to see you try. Anyway, I’ll be here sitting pretty. 

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