Have you ever fallen in love? That pounding in your chest, that feeling like you could die in somebody’s arms à la Romeo and Juliet, that intricate dance protecting each other from this strange, cruel world. Emotional attachment, love, sex, partnership, marriage, wives, husbands, kids — and the cycle repeats. It’s everything we are designed to do as reproductive organisms that have constructed monogamy as the status quo. However, I’ve noticed that monogamous long-term relationships have fallen out of favor among many members of Gen Z.
This so-called “hookup culture” thrives on two roles: the player and the played. These roles are somewhat ungendered. Sure, a man can be played by a woman. A woman can be played by a woman. A man can be played by a man. A man can even be played by a nonbinary person. Nobody’s safe. These roles are amorphous, and may reverse as the relationship progresses. One can be both a player and the played. Nevertheless, I’ve noticed many young women who date men feel especially played by hookup culture.
I’ve done it. You’ve done it. We’ve all done it. We know it hurts. So why is it socially acceptable?
Let us examine the clinical presentation of a heterosexual “casual relationship.” The player, usually male, has the power to create plans. He has the power to speak intimacy and sex into action. The played, typically female, is the person who sits idly by. She’s hoping he makes plans, waiting to receive intimacy and sex. Perhaps they’ve found this relationship predicated on the notion that emotional attachment is not in play — a “friends with benefits” situation. Mostly, however, these relationships form with unclear intentions, causing the played to question, “Will this ever amount to anything?”
The conventions of this relationship seem solid on paper until the played catches feelings for the player. It’s bound to happen. Emotional attachment is the body’s natural response to intimacy. Eventually, this “casual relationship” turns into something more than he had ever intended it to be. The played confesses her feelings to the player. If he’s nice enough, the player hits her with a classic, “I just don’t have the time for anything serious right now.”
Or he ghosts her. According to a 2023 study at the University of Georgia, 65% of people aged 18-29 have “ghosted” a former partner, and up to 72% have been “ghosted.” Let’s face it: many members of Gen Z have a habit of running away from a connection. Ghosting has become our generation’s norm for telling our intimate partners, “Not right now. I just don’t like you that much.”
I’ve done it. You’ve done it. We’ve all done it. We know it hurts. So why is it socially acceptable?
We are sold on the idea that one must work to live; your self-worth is your net worth. My brother, a former Gabelli Ram, once said, “I would love to have a girlfriend, but in this economy?” Marx and Engels’ “The German Ideology” claims that the structure of capitalism proliferates into all aspects of daily life: politics, religion, sports, arts, culture; really, everything. They claim these pillars of our society are constructed to form a “false consciousness” that keeps the structure of capitalism in place. If hookup culture is a manifestation of our “false consciousness,” does that mean it’s our best response to high gas prices, inflation and “the grind-set?” Are we really settling for settling?
Even the functions of hookup culture operate within capitalist structures. After establishing an intimate connection, someone knows their attention is valuable to their partner. They become more distant from that person to become more valuable, creating scarcity. Players are encouraged to levy that scarcity among their “roster of hoes.” To be truly content sexually without love is to invest in a diverse portfolio of people’s emotions and sexual desires. Creating a diverse portfolio of “hoes” is less risky than a high-risk emotional investment in a “high-value woman.” To believe in this relationship with sex and romance is to worship a capitalist ideal. Why are you treating women like stocks and bonds? Stop day trading women. This is why finance bros are the worst, and artists are typically watery, hopeless romantics. Hookup culture must be a response to failing late-stage capitalism.
Most young men would rather have little flings with ever-changing lists of people than a consistent relationship with a consistent person who loves them very much. There is a responsibility in a long-term relationship that can be daunting — your significant other’s emotions and your own. This takes time out of your schedule that you could spend pursuing … what? An excel sheet? A class reading? Your lousy internship? Is “being on your grind” more important than your sexual partner’s emotions? Are players such sheep to Adam Smith that they don’t recognize their worship of capital is seeping into their everyday lives?
Many young women are being burned by young men’s high sex drive and lack of care. Many men at Fordham fall into this “player” category. I’m talking to you, players. You know you’re allowed to fall in love, right? You’re going to want to do it eventually. Why not now? What I’m asking you to do, or rather, challenging you to do, as we enter this fall semester, is to fall in love.