FORDHAM FOOTBALL FORCED OFF FIELD
Due to recent budget cuts, Fordham’s Lincoln Center campus faces a new invasive species — student-athletes.
April 1, 2023
Despite Fordham’s precarious stance on a dwindling endowment, student athletics have long defined the extracurricular community at the university and been shielded from the lethal pen stroke signaling budget cuts. Recently, however, with a new budget approved by University President Tania Tetlow, J.D., a catastrophic blow has been dealt to the Fordham football team, forcing them to practice on the Outdoor Plaza at the university’s Lincoln Center campus on alternating Tuesdays.
With the university being classified as Division 1 in the NCAA (National Collegiate Athletics Association) and having won a slew of conference championships in football, women’s basketball, men’s soccer, and softball, there is a prominent sect of the Fordham population involved with student athletics — whether they be on club or school teams.
Fordham football has been pushed from its regular practice locations and onto the Outdoor Plaza as a result of the budget’s effect, much to the dismay and amusement of the students involved. To date, footballs kicked during practice have broken several windows across both McKeon and McMahon Halls, as well as car windows after the equipment was punted onto the street.
Upon hearing of the practice schedule, Fordham football experienced an immediate 40% unenrollment spike due to HGH-induced (human growth hormone) manic episodes at the news.
The Jack Coffey Field at the Rose Hill Campus will be replaced by a Target and Trader Joe’s shopping complex. Rose Hill students will no longer have to travel to the Lincoln Center campus to shop for their groceries and can instead enjoy access to these stores from the comfort of their gated community.
Despite violent outcry against the budget and supporters protesting en masse, Tetlow has firmly established herself as an equal opportunity buzzkill to the athletics teams. Upon confirmation of the budget changes, Fordham Athletics threatened Tetlow with yet another unionization attempt, which immediately failed due to the university already having caved to prior unionization requests.
No private institution can be too helpful in determining the quality of life of their constituents — that would mean risking spending too much of the endowment on things other than new buildings! Upon hearing of the practice schedule, Fordham football experienced an immediate 40% unenrollment spike due to HGH-induced (human growth hormone) manic episodes at the news.
‘We’ve already dealt with so much targeting from the current administration’, Peter Pants, FCRH (Fordham College at Rose Hill) ‘23 and a former linebacker for the Fordham Rams, said prior to dropping out following the news. ‘We requested funding for chartered helicopters to games, and when the request got denied, what did we do? Nothing! We took it like men’.
Pants added that the team’s response to the ban on electric scooters was reasonable, despite reports of hundreds of smashed windows: ‘We could’ve done so much more, but we really internalized the Jesuit mission on our team. We’re men for others. But this, this is just too far’.
Aside from the roided-out players let loose onto campus, Fordham’s football staff has started producing copies of campus skeleton keys and distributing them to the student body. In just a week, almost all of the janitorial supplies of paper goods and ammonia were stolen in an act of rebellion against the administration.
First-years have been reported for ‘fixing the housing crisis’ (direct quote) by moving in extra friends and LC (Lincoln Center) roommates who were forced away from Rose Hill after the university accepted more students than it could house.
In addition to stealing supplies, Fordham Rose Hill’s dorms now contain an unidentified number of students sharing the allotted living space along with already-overcrowded rooms. First-years have been reported for ‘fixing the housing crisis’ (direct quote) by moving in extra friends and LC (Lincoln Center) roommates who were forced away from Rose Hill after the university accepted more students than it could house.
In an emergency response given to student press a week into the incident, Tetlow is a changed woman, much like U.S. presidents after a strenuous term. In terse, frantic snippets, the president reported that all university resources are displaced and steadily becoming communal.
She highlighted that armchairs are suddenly missing from offices overnight, library books have been found in the most unlikely of places, such as toilets, and the entire campus has managed to contract a SuperFlu variant due to the herd immunity of the student body being compromised (see the dorm overflow situation), ironically right after Fordham lifted its vaccine mandate.
Closing the press conference, hands gripping the podium, Tetlow is reported as delivering a teary-eyed apology to the football students, begging them to re-enroll and pay the extra tuition they owe from the most recent increase.
