Horrorscopes

Horrorscopes

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY ESMÉ BLEECKER-ADAMS

By the Fun & Games Staff

Scorpio (Oct. 23 — Nov. 21)

Mercury will be in retrograde on Halloween. If you know what that means, get a life. Or take one, but make sure you have a safe place to hide the body. 

 

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 — Dec. 21)

Sagittarius, hell hath no fury like a roommate scorned. Better sleep with the lights on this week and keep a heavy textbook under your pillow. 

 

Capricorn (Dec. 22 — Jan. 19)

You have no idea what you are capable of, Capricorn. There is no disguising your ruthless desire for catastrophe and destruction this Halloween. Robert Moses could never. 

 

Aquarius (Jan. 20 — Feb. 18)

Aquarius, don’t drink the water in the dining hall this week. Don’t step on the sidewalk cracks, don’t do crack, don’t so much as crack an egg. Everything will be okay. 

 

Pisces (Feb. 19 — March 20)

Something smells fishy, and it’s coming from behind your closet door. We all have skeletons in there, but yours are scarier than most. Good luck with that. 

 

Aries (March 21 — April 19)

Watch out, Aries. Danger lurks around every corner. Look out where your hooves fall, and don’t venture too far from your flock.  

 

Taurus (April 20 — May 20)

Take the bull by the horns Taurus, but make sure not to get gored. October holds much in store for you, but make sure you don’t charge ahead without checking to see what lies there. 

 

Gemini (May 21 — June 20)

Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble. Gemini, use October to brew your potions carefully. Use enough eye of newt and toe of frog, and you can have everything you’ve ever wanted. 

 

Cancer (June 21 — July 22)

Hard times ahead for you, Cancer. Better pinch yourself because this week will be the stuff of nightmares. You thought your bed-wetting days were behind you?     

 

Leo (July 23 — Aug. 22)

Leo, I know you spent a lot of time on your costume, but this Halloween will be all tricks and no treats for you. 

 

Virgo (Aug. 23 — Sept. 22)

How do you keep a Virgo in suspense? 

 

Check back tomorrow. 

 

Libra (Sept. 23 — Oct. 22)

Libra, the ghosts of your past are surfacing, and they are hungry for revenge. They’d also like a cheesesteak and fries.