Standard or Stalker: How to Successfully Creep on Your Crush Without Totally Creeping Them Out


Published February 18, 2010

With Valentine’s Day having just passed, love is still on most of our minds.  A lot of you single people may have felt some sort of romantic void on the 14th while sitting on your couches, watching a chick-flick marathon with your friends and eating all of your feelings.

The dilemma:  You’re lonely and completely crushing on someone you don’t know too well.

The solution: Stalk out your repressed curiosity.

With almost the entire world on Facebook now, (including grandparents and middle-aged foreign men who like to “make new friend with beauteous American girl”) analyzing your crush’s personal life is not only easy, but also crucial to the development of any progress in a potential relationship.

While immersed in full-fledged stalk mode, it can be hard to distinguish between what is acceptable and what is sketchy when investigating your crush.  No worries, creepers, use the guidelines below to prevent yourself from entering the red zone and forever being labeled as “that creep from math class.”

Equipped with the ins and outs of successful stalking, you can get on with your bad self and scope out the situation(s).

Standard Stalker
Looking through all of their profile pictures Liking only their full body shot pictures with accompanying inappropriate comments
Friending them Making up a fake Facebook alias to friend them
Sending a message asking them to hang out Sending a message asking if they like pina coladas and/or getting caught in the rain… with a winky face.
Shooting a glance during class Shooting a glance during class while panting heavily
Checking their relationship status Questioning them in-depth about their relationship status
Showing all your friends from home their Facebook picture Setting their Facebook picture as your desktop background
Checking their status to find out what their up to Checking their status to follow their every move
A friendly smile Wide-grinned, bug-eyed smile for an extended period of time