Satire – Millennials are Ruining Award Shows

Lest+we+forget.
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Satire – Millennials are Ruining Award Shows

Lest we forget.

Lest we forget.

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY LOÏC KHODARKOVSKY

Lest we forget.

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY LOÏC KHODARKOVSKY

GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION BY LOÏC KHODARKOVSKY

Lest we forget.

By OWEN ROCHE, Opinions Editor

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The past months have not been kind to back-slappers.

Much like the silver-haired lifetime achievement-accepting stars who unfurl their scroll of thank-you’s on primetime television, American award shows aren’t aging all that well. The most recent Grammys, Emmys, Oscars, Golden Globes, Espys and even the usually rock-solid Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards all suffered notable declines in ratings from previous years.

We live in a unique time: At no other point in recorded history have we been less motivated to turn on the TV and watch the Emmys.

Scapegoats are myriad. Some point fingers at the social media streaming of events as the explanation for the dismal drop in viewership of the 2018 Grammys. Others bemoan prime-time competitors stealing viewers. The loudest cry from the consuming masses, however, is the most concerning — and most infuriating. It would appear that, for the crucial 18 to 40-year-old viewing bracket, award shows just aren’t doing it for them anymore.

Suddenly, lavish galas, expensive dresses and long speeches — broken up by live performances from artists who should really, really consider performing exclusively in the recording studio — are boring a certain demographic of Americans. The Hollywood Elite and Common Man no longer share those special nights of extravagant wealth and gratuitous hugging and kissing the way we used to.

Horrifying, surely.

When Americans stop crowding around the television to watch Andy Samberg tell Catholic-homily-caliber jokes, it’s a good indicator that our society is beginning to rot from the inside. The moment we cannot come together and listen to Hillary Clinton read “Fire and Fury” at the Grammys, our tone-deafness has reached levels even autotune can’t salvage.

We’ve changed. No longer do we champion the classy serial killer question, “Who are you wearing?” Less-than-scrupulous elections from “academies” and “colleges” don’t rile us up like they used to, especially when our favorite creepy fish film won anyway.

We know who’s ruining award shows for the rest of us. After discovering the killers of Applebee’s, diamonds, jogging and fabric softener, we know exactly who to blame.

Millennials, a blanket term for young people who do things I don’t like, are the single biggest killers of all things good and wholesome. Millennials are “entitled.” They “text” their dastardly emojis at all hours of the day. They “Venmo” their friends and have no time for Facebook, where the best news comes from.

They are a generation raised on tokens of false accomplishment. Tee-ball trophies. Spelling Bee participant medals. Stickers simply for showing up to the grocery store. The “Me Me Me” generation grew up over-validated and lazy, yet they refuse to sit on the couch and endure hours of entertainment industry workers congratulate themselves on a job well done? After all this time, they’ve picked now to go sour on trophies?

Hollywood stars, the most morally-reliable and ethically-admirable people out there, are rightful and justified role models for a generation that, apparently, would much rather stream a “Twitch” than ogle Lady Gaga in a Valentino dress worth more than their entire student debt. The absolute nerve.

It’s disgusting. The hallowed tradition of watching celebrities trip their way up to a podium to announce the winner of a category you didn’t know existed, only to comment at your screen “wow, he got really old” is somehow not enough for the youth. It’s hard to imagine what more they could possibly want.

I fear a future populated by award shows more tailored to the twisted millennial persuasion. I shudder to think of catching a glimpse of a first annual Meme Awards or, worse yet, a funny opening monologue from a host that wants to be there as I flip between reruns of Modern Family.

If millennials have their way, award shows as we know it will cease to exist. When young people start to impose their views on the status quo, we don’t need an Academy, church jokes or gilded envelopes to tell us who wins. Everyone loses.

Millennials, young people and anyone who’d rather “floss” a “Fortnite” than floss their own teeth: Do the right thing. Buy into award shows like the rest of us. We had to sit through them; you should, too.