The Updated Student Handbook

If We Could Get Our Hands On That Book, We’d Add These Rules


Published: October 22, 2009

Tufts University just recently passed a residential hall rule that forbids having sex while your roommate is present in the room. The regulation wasn’t passed to limit sexual activity, but to encourage respect between roommates. While we’ll chalk the first one up to personal opinion, the reasoning behind the rule doesn’t seem all that bad. Obviously our Jesuit school already forbids sexual activity (it is referred to as a cohabitation in the handbook). But there are a handful of other dorm actions that could definitely be forbidden in order to promote respect among residents. If we could get our hands on that ResLife handbook, these are the additions we would make:

Use of the Elevators:

Due to the blood pressure of other students, if a resident lives on floors 2 or 3 they are not permitted to use the elevator to or from their apartments. Special circumstances, such as heavy packages or injury, may be cause for leniency.

Failure to Comply:

Able-bodied students caught riding the elevators to these two floors with no proof of injury or heavy load will be enrolled in a four-week boot camp at the Rose Hill campus, which will take place every Saturday from 8 to 10 a.m., in hopes that, upon completion, they will no longer be lazy.

Obnoxious Behavior

Annoying behaviors of any kind will not be tolerated in the residence hall from the hours of 12 a.m. to 12 p.m. Banned behaviors include, but are not limited, to:

•Stealing/eating food that is not yours

•Allowing your room to become a petri dish of mold and mildew

•Leaving hair in a shower drain, sink or any place other than your head

•Speaking above an “indoor voice” decibel in common areas on weeknights

Failure to Comply:

If a student becomes obnoxious to other suitemates at any point in their stay at McMahon, the offended will be instructed to do to this person as they have done to others for a predetermined period of time in hopes that the offender will realize how obnoxious they are being and will stop the behavior immediately.

Laundry Room Etiquette

Due to limited and finicky resources in McMahon Hall laundry rooms, students will be held to a high level of responsibility. Adhering to time regulations is mandatory. Students are required to return within five minutes of the completion of a wash or dry cycle. In addition, it is against dorm policy to wash every article of clothing in your possession at a single point in time. It is highly suggested laundry be done once a week to prevent an overflow of dirty items.

Failure to Comply:

Students in need of a washer or dryer, who have observed the cycle end and seen no one come to claim the items, have the right to remove them and place them on any open surface, not being held liable for any dirt, residue detergent or unidentified substance that may soil freshly cleaned clothing. Any student who observes another utilizing more than two machines at one time is encouraged to verbally assault this person, in hopes that they will be scarred for life and refrain from future machine hogging.

Inhibition or Interruption of Sleep

McMahon residential employees do not take sleep lightly, as it is necessary for the sanity and adequate functioning of our students. That being said, any students who have personal issues that will inhibit the sleep of others are not permitted to remain a resident at McMahon Hall. These issues include, but are not limited to:


•Listening to loud music at inappropriate hours

•Late-night munchies that result in pots clanking in the kitchen

•Inappropriate visitors, including sexual conquests and annoying friends

Failure to Comply:

Sleep interrupters and their accomplice offenders will be removed from the dorm at once and locked in Pope Auditorium, regardless of the presence of quarantined Swine Flu victims. If indeed Pope is inhabited by Swine Flu infected students, hopefully the offender will be infected, which would almost guarantee they will be spending the following weeks in bed… silently.