Published: April 2, 2009

Hovercrafts. Time machines. Cylons. These are just a few scientific advances that are on the horizon, possibly not to be discovered until Feifei Ling desperately needs them. Because let’s face it—most, if not all, things that are created are for the sole benefit of me. Take the recent reproductive breakthroughs of cloning, multiple births and designer babies. The universe knew that I was in need of a roommate and gave me the means to create the best one: myself.

Don’t let anyone tell you that it’s easy to find a post-graduation roommate. “But EVERYONE loves you,” your mother might tell you. “You must have hundreds of people who want to be your roommate.” She said the same thing about prom dates. Well, it’s just not true, Mom!

While I love my beautiful speaking voice, not just anyone can stand to listen to all those brilliant thoughts that come out of my mouth for 19 out of the 24 hours of the day. Nor can they understand the essential nature of five-hour-long naked crying sessions in front of the mirror.

The answer came to me when I typed “who loves feifei ling?” into Google, and all of the results were Web sites that I’d made and dedicated to myself. Now, I don’t know exactly how cloning works, but I know in my gut that my only roommate choice is myself. So as soon as that sheep eats that poisoned apple and poops out the seeds and the doctor waters the plant daily with my blood, a stork will bring me baby Feifei v. 2.0, and I’ll be set.

I’m sure my clone will become a doctor or a lawyer in order to bring honor to our family name. Of course, based on my predicted salary of $0, we’ll have to live on my clone’s predicted salary of $160,000. Unfortunately, by the time my clone grows up, NYC housing prices will be so high that we’ll only be able to afford a rusty one-bedroom tenement apartment in Spanish Harlem. Now, that Octo-Mom woman has the right idea. Having multiple children in one go saves the mother from years of pregnancy. With a couple dozen lawyer-doctor clones, our income level might then be high enough for an apartment with windows!

Another reason I would clone myself is that everything else about Feifei Ling is amazing; I am the pinnacle of evolution. But I do envy those people who have blue eyes. Due to the recent news about pre-implantation genetic diagnosis, which was made to test for incurable genetic diseases in utero, but can be used by parents to choose babies with superficial criteria, I have decided I would prefer that my clones have blue eyes.

So how useful are these new, ethically questionable reproductive breakthroughs? In my opinion, the are extremely useful. In others’ opinions, they are “completely unnecessary,” “disturbing” and “truly despicable.” Perhaps it would just be simpler to curb our idiosyncrasies and be a bit more tolerant, so that we can find normal, puny, non-clones to split an apartment with after graduation. I guess we shouldn’t be playing God in order to give everyone multiple, blue-eyed clones of themselves. After we make my new roommates, we should totally stop.