Boston Dynamics & YOU!


Google gave free reign of Boston to Boston Dynamics, who installed themselves as head of the Commonwealth state. (VIA FLICKR)


It was about 4 in the afternoon when Michael awoke to the latest commercial for Boston Dynamics, playing just as expected. He gripped his semi-automatic ArcLight rifle (Boston Dynamics™).

Hello (brzt) MICHAEL (brzt) You have been selected for random incorporated testing on our new trademarked AlphaOmega Rocket Power Dogs! Enjoy! A quality insurance agent will be returning in one hour to ensure your home is cleaned of any mess or entrails resulting from the test. Goodbye, and have a Dynamic day!

Michael heard the robotic growls at the door, and lurched from his couch.

Boston Dynamics came to prominence in late 2010 as a subsidiary of Google Inc., later renamed Alphabet, then changed back to Google Enterprises in 2024 once everyone realized that was stupid. It was now known as Google Enterprises due to the qualitative decision by Google executives to disregard their mandate (Don’t be Evil) in favor of being more profitable. Google quickly became one of the most powerful entities on the planet and controlled all sovereign governments as through a form of puppet government. This was exceedingly easy due to the fact that no world leader wanted their browser history revealed, in any capacity.

Google then gave free reign of Boston to Boston Dynamics, who proceeded to redraft the state constitution to install themselves as head of the Commonwealth state. Boston residents protested, until Boston Dynamics created the Arclight Initiative, which involved every single resident of Massachusetts receiving a personal laser-powered weapon.

This ended badly.

It was now 2089, and Michael no longer knew a world without Boston Dynamics, and not just because they made food, beds, people, animals, etc. It was because of another Initiative where all residents of Boston could be subject to random experimental testing at any given time, as long as they were informed via commercial. If someone wasn’t watching television, they would be immune to random testing.

However, CBS was now flourishing under Boston Dynamics’ Television Initiative, and what was Michael supposed to do? Miss the Thursday Night Comedy Block?

And be the laughing stock of the office (a Boston Dynamics subsidiary, of course)?

[You may be asking where Netflix would fit in here. They had now taken over the government of Canada in a trade deal with Google Enterprises. Netflix and Chill was now comparable to the “Great Leap Forward,” in terms of lives destroyed in Canadian history.]

In this world, creature comforts were key, because they were familiar. Familiarity is how Google took over the world, Michael often thought. He often thought about how little it would take to turn off the television and become active. To read books instead of being fed information by the Apple iPad mini embedded in his circulatory system. He often thought of a life where he wouldn’t have to watch the new John Mulaney vehicle and be attacked by robotic rocket dogs every Thursday night.

He changed the channel again instead.