Published: February 26, 2009

They roam the halls, the classrooms and the cafeteria. They sip coffee at Jazzman’s, sit next to us at shows in Pope Auditorium and live next door to us in McMahon. They go about their day secretly, waiting for their opportunity to strike. They seem to be just like you and me, yet they have an uncanny ability to instantly make our blood pressure rise wherever they go. They are the annoying characters of Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC). When agreeing to write this piece, two motivations became clear to me. The first was my hope that we would all feel better after realizing that we aren’t just intolerant and grumpy, but that our pet peeves are shared by others. Secondly, and most importantly, I hope that those of you who fit into the annoying category will recognize your ugly ways and consider changing, even if it’s only for the two weeks this article is in circulation. So here they are: the top 10 most annoying characters on the FCLC campus!

The Complainer

Your life is so hard, it’s amazing you make it through the day. You’re the only person in class who is juggling an internship, a job, classes and homework. It’s actually quite surprising that you have any energy left to let the whole world know how hard your life is. But you always seem to find it somewhere in you to share, when no one asks or cares. Believe it or not, everyone else’s life is just as hard as yours, but the rest of us are able to get through it without complaining all day and using other people’s pity to give us an extra boost. Here’s a suggestion: if you ever want anyone to ask “How are you?” again, just reply with “Good” and save the 20-minute monologue for your “One Life To Live” audition.

The Obvious Texter/Internet Surfer

We all have an attention span of seven minutes tops. We are part of a generation completely addicted to technology. But we don’t all shove the fact that we are having lengthy text conversations and surfing the Internet in our professors’ faces. Why are you holding your cell-phone above the desk, smirking at the screen while the teacher is looking right at you? Do you think the teacher doesn’t notice that you are typing way too frantically to actually be taking notes on your laptop? You’re ruining it for all of us! Eventually the professor gets fed up and starts rigorously monitoring the whole class or banning the use of laptops altogether. It is possible to stay connected and not get caught. Text below the desk, and make sure to look up at the teacher every two or three seconds so they think you’re listening. When using a laptop, type very lightly. Also, employ the glancing-up method, and don’t react to e-mails or online sales. Your teacher knows you don’t get that much pleasure out of his class.

The Charger

We’ve all gotten stuck behind them at one time, and with our luck, it was probably when we were trying to grab something quick to eat between classes. They are the chargers, those students who are incapable of putting their ATM card into a machine and taking out some cash. Using a credit card every time you visit the caf is just unacceptable. It holds up the whole line, as we wait for the receipt to print and for you to sign in perfect cursive. It also pisses off Luz, who then takes her frustration out on the next unlucky victim in line. Let’s make an agreement. Every now and then visit an ATM, please? There is one right down the escalator, so I won’t take no for an answer.

The Lover

When I first ran into this character, I was shocked. Am I having a nightmare that I’m back in high school? I couldn’t believe that college adults felt the need to broadcast their relationships all over campus. It’s great that you’ve found each other—we all wish you the best of luck in your relationship—but seeing you play tonsil hockey outside of our 10 a.m. class is where we draw the line. Holding hands? Sweet. Catching up over lunch in the cafeteria? Totally acceptable. But please, we beg you, save your spit for the privacy of your own room, and spare us the awkward elevator ride full of baby voices and lip smacking.

The Roadblock

If you are talking to a friend, move to the side of the hallway. If you are waiting for an elevator, move to the side of the hallway. If you are texting, move to the side of the hallway. If you are admiring the linoleum floors, move to the side of the hallway. Getting from place to place shouldn’t require a map and a compass. We are all tired of taking detours because our route is obstructed by those of you who stand in the middle of the hallway. The whole hallway-traveling experience can run a lot smoother if you would kindly step to the side and let traffic flow. Thank you.

The Excessive Printer

It’s 2:34 p.m., and my history essay was due four minutes ago. I just ran out of printer ink, sprinted my ass to the library and got stuck behind you. Seriously? Do you really think that the middle of the afternoon is the best time to print a novel? The printers are provided for the use of all Fordham students–I get it—but can you do your using around, say, midnight, when there is absolutely no chance that your 400-page dissertation will make the rest of us late for class? And P.S., you’re killing trees, a hell of a lot of them. Let’s try to be a little more selective on what needs to be printed, okay?

The Elevator Abuser

Whether it’s in McMahon or Lowenstein, students have long been bothered by the one floor riders. The sentiment is so widespread that when this character gets off at floor two, everyone else in the elevator says it all in one quick, knowing glance. If people are yelling nasty remarks at you as you get off the elevator, you should probably realize you are doing something really obnoxious. Even worse, most of you wait for a good 10 minutes for an elevator when it takes one and a half to just walk it. Are you really that lazy? If you have a broken leg, are over 70 years old or are carrying a bag full of bricks, we’ll excuse you. If not, take the stairs!

The Chatter

While we’re on the subject of elevators, let’s respect that they are small and quiet, and we are all standing one inch from each other. So how you see it at all acceptable to be catching up with everyone in your address book as we ride is beyond me. We don’t need to know how you spent all Saturday puking up Mexican or how your date ended in a sloppy, drunken make out session in front of your apartment. It’s really sweet that your mom sent you homemade cookies, but can’t you call to thank her later? Seriously, you can detach the phone from your ear for 45 seconds.

The Bulldozer

Let’s establish one thing first: I applaud you for taking the stairs. Thank you for not joining our other group of annoying characters who wait 20 minutes to take the elevator up one floor. But now that we are all on the stairs together, you have created a new category of annoying. You are incapable of walking single file; you are attached to your friends at the hip while you plow your way down the stairs, sending others flying in all directions. Let’s get something straight: walk on the right side of the stairs. Like a road, get it? So if you are coming down, you shouldn’t be taking up the whole stairway so that others going up have to shimmy against the wall or climb the handrail.

The Cruncher/Slurper/Gulper/(insert your own disgusting noise here)

I’ve saved my personal favorite for last. You all know who you are. You never come into class without a squeaky plastic container from the caf, filled with the noisiest, smelliest, most obnoxious food that can be found. We get it; you’re hungry. You have absolutely no time in your day to eat (despite the 15 minutes between classes), and you are forced to eat a five-course meal during the lecture. Fine, we’ll get over that. But what we refuse to accept is what and how you eat. Let’s get the “how” out of the way: close your mouth. It really isn’t that hard, and it will eliminate the majority of the crunching, slurping and gulping.

Now, I know our cafeteria doesn’t have the widest selection—I feel for you, I really do—so I’m going to help you out. Foods to absolutely avoid at all costs: chips and crackers (there is no quiet way to eat them), salads (because the tuna, onions and dressing STINK) and apples (bite into one, and you’ll know why). Acceptable foods: bananas (mushy = quiet), smoothies (leave the last couple of drops please) and bagels (something with a neutral odor—read: no garlic!)

I’ve accepted whatever repercussions this article might elicit. I may get some dirty looks in class. Others might avoid me on the stairs and elevator, in fear of being called out as annoying character seven or eight. But for the betterment of the FCLC community, I vow to take this all in stride, feeling content knowing that by calling them out, maybe some of us will be spared the annoyance of running into one of these infamous characters.