A Holiday Guide to Dodging Relatives’ Questions

By MEREDITH SUMMERS
Literary Co-Editor & Copy Editor
Published: November 19, 2014

With Thanksgiving next week, many college students are looking forward to going home for the break. Dreaming of playing with pets and not having to wait for hours to attempt laundry in broken washers, many students forget the worst part of break: facing questions from extended family members. For those who have waited until the last minute to prepare stock answers to the same questions that are always asked, I put together this guide that will make sure the questioners will want to find someone else to talk to quickly.

Question: So, are you seeing anyone? 

Answer: Yes, actually, a few people. However, I’m a little concerned because no one else seems to be able to see them.  

Question: How are your classes going?

Answer:  Well, when I lived at home, I definitely felt like I was in the upper-middle class, but after trying to live in New York on a budget for a few months, I’m definitely feeling very lower class.

Question: Do you have an internship this semester?

Answer: I built the ship, but none of the other interns seemed to want to get on it with me. (Then pull out a boombox and start playing Enya’s “Sail Away”)

Question: What are your plans after graduation?

Answer: I’m hoping that I will inherit a lot of money from a deceased family member so that I can be independently wealthy. By the way, how are you feeling?

Question: How are your friends?

Answer: Monica and Chandler have secretly been hooking up since they went to London for Ross’s wedding. Joey found out but promised he wouldn’t tell. Rachel found out when she overheard Monica and Chandler on the phone and then Phoebe saw Monica and Chandler “doing it” while she was in Ugly Naked Guy’s apartment. At first, Rachel and Phoebe decided to prank Monica and Chandler because they didn’t know that they know. But then, Monica and Chandler prank them back because they didn’t know that they know that they know. It got worse when Rachel and Phoebe figured out that they didn’t know that they know that they know that they know. It’s all very complicated.     

If you stick to this script (because your relatives sure will) you will be left to stuff your face in peace in no time.