The Truth Behind Why I’m Still Single

How My Issues With Feet, Exes and Karma Keep Me Unattached


Published: December 13, 2007

1. I have a “Prince Charming Complex.”

“Prince Charming Complex,” is my un-scientific term that describes a person who has been brainwashed to believe the delusion that some jackass on a white horse or in a Silver Aston Martin DBS is going to save you from your plebian life.

That, and profess their undying love by not making you sign a prenuptial agreement, and then whisk you away to his castle or four-bedroom apartment on Park Avenue. While I don’t believe this actually happens in that order, I’m still holding out for a tall, dark, handsome and wealthy fellow. Hell, I would even settle for a short, decent-looking and rich man, if only he would pay my student loans.

2. I’m a perfectionist.

I want to be with someone who is near-perfect. I want a guy who can remember to keep his books in alphabetical order, sweep, make his bed, do the dishes and take care of his cuticles. He should also be able to remember anniversaries and my favorite restaurant, strive for financial success and never wear black monk strap shoes with jeans. Oh, and he shouldn’t sweat when making out or leave his underwear on the bathroom floor. Am I asking for the stars? I don’t think so!

3. I’m stubborn.

I like things my way, and I don’t care what most people think or say. I have said on more than one occasion, “If I wanted your opinion, I would have given it to you.” For better or worse, I have shrugged off good advice in lieu of blazing my own trail.

4. I’m a total bitch.

I have made a few enemies, all of which know a side of me they probably wish they wouldn’t have come across. I have learned the value of being a more level-headed individual now, but I have no problem getting all crazy at a moment’s notice.

5. I have “ex” issues

I have enough resentment towards my ex that if looks could kill, he would disintegrate. The word “bitter” doesn’t even begin to cover it. When he says that he has no hard feelings, I have to stay quiet because I hold a grudge so intense it makes Alanis Morissette’s song “You Oughta Know” sound like “Mary Had a Little Lamb.” When you’ve had your heart ripped out and spat on by an ex, it’s hard to give it to someone new; hence, my issues with putting the past behind me.

6. I hate smokers with a fiery passion.

Read my previous article about banning smoking at Fordham, and you’ll get it. After writing that article, someone on Facebook called me the “Ann Coulter of anti-smoking.” I have never been so well complimented. Sometimes people have a big problem with my hatred of smoking. I wish I cared.

7. I’m not promiscuous…anymore.

I have hung up my black 2xist briefs with the pouch crotch and called it a day. I’m done with casual sex. Sex is something that should be taken seriously and cherished with someone you love and are committed to; otherwise, it’s not fulfilling. I refuse to put it all out there like a free buffet at a fat camp.

8. I have “karmic debt.”

I was a jerk to my last boyfriend. I treated him disrespectfully, and because of my bad deeds toward this man, I’m in “karmic debt.” This means karma is treating me like a drug dealer friend I owe money to. He means business and will collect what is owed without mercy. I need to make amends in order to be in harmony with the energy in the universe and move into a new part of my life romantically.

9. I have a list of dealbreakers.

There are so many little things that can totally break a deal with me. Most notable are “Flintstone” feet, fuzzy butt, bad haircuts and especially men who lack a sense of humor. The list is tremendously lengthy and constantly updated.

10. I believe in “Happily Ever After.”

I truly believe that in this world you can get lucky, meet your soul mate and live “Happily Ever After.” I have hopes that my soul mate is out there. Maybe he is not especially handsome—he’s probably short, a middle manager, lactose intolerant and a smoker who thinks Banana Republic is chic. But when it’s right, all of your neuroses go away. Until then, I’ll be waiting for someone to make numbers one through nine obsolete and just love me, and be loved, for better or for worse.