Published: November 8, 2007

As chronicled in a recent issue of The Observer, Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC) follows the national trend of colleges that have more female students than male. When members of the student body and the faculty were asked to comment on the decreasing male population at FCLC (currently under 42 percent), the consensus was that closing the gender gap any time soon is unlikely. Father Grimes said, “Unless something radically changed, like we suddenly began the country’s greatest men’s football team, I think it is an impossibility.”

There is no F,C,L, or another C in “impossibility,” except for that one little “l,” but work with me here. Putting pessimism aside, the following are Eight Simple Rules For Attracting Males to FCLC:

1. Make Adjustments to Plaza

While I believe a student of either gender can appreciate the greenness and tranquility of the outdoor plaza, I believe that whoever designed it certainly was catering to the feminine eye. Was it really necessary to mount half a dozen statues of half-naked mythological Greek dudes flexing their juiced-up muscles? Sure, Atlas is cool and everything, having held the whole world on his shoulders for a few thousand years, but c’mon, man … what have you done for me lately? I’m sure prospective male students would appreciate a sculpture of Hera or Athena — even Xena, “The Warrior Princess,” would suffice.

2. “Ram Van” Must Go

The Ram Van is deserving of many extolling adjectives, such as convenient and cost-efficient. However, “sweet ride” is not one of them. I am not suggesting that the intercampus transportation be eliminated, but allow me to pose you this question: Doesn’t “Ram Lamborghini” have a nicer ring to it. Tell me that guys wouldn’t flock to FCLC for the chance to ride to class in one of those babies.

3. Eliminate Ram as Mascot

For a male sheep, we sure made The Ram look ferocious on our school logo. The Ram looks like it means business and it is not to be messed with. Yet FCLC has completely wussified (the act of making a wuss) the Ram into a lovable, cozy, cuddly, somersaulting friend rather than the intimidating creature it should be.

4. Elect New Mascot

Since the Ram’s reputation has suffered irreparable damage, we elect a new mascot. To give our intramural teams that tough image that might just attract more male students to this school, we shoud have the most tenacious beast possible: The Tyrannosaurus rex!

5. Commuter Buffalo Wing Night

Enough said.

6. Broaden Student Discounts

It is glorious that FCLC provides us with discounts to fine art establishments such as The Metropolitan Opera … it’s delicious, even. What if we could have a few dollars chopped off some New York Giants tickets?

7. Add to Lowenstein Café Menu

The very instant a male high school senior walks through the Lowenstein doors to visit the school, he may be relieved that he can get a grande triple soy latte, light with three Splendas and a fat-free blueberry muffin. I propose we add 16 oz. Angus New York Sirloin Steaks with mashed potatoes to the menu and watch the male population increase before our very eyes.

8. Guarantee a “Man’s man” Commencement Speaker

Willie Randolph was an excellent choice to deliver last year’s commencement (no sarcasm). That selection must have been Rose Hill’s influence. With FCLC’s inherent feminine bias, I’m sure the school’s first choice would be Betsey Johnson or Ralph Lauren. However, if the incoming class of 2011 was guaranteed a commencement speech by someone we can look up to, for example, Sly Stallone or Arnold Schwarzenegger (or the equally macho Angelina Jolie), the male population would undoubtedly climb over 45 percent. Is it impossible without radical change? I think not.

Before you send me hate mail: http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/satire