Saying “no” is a complete answer. You never have to justify the phrase if you do not want to. However, society has pressured us to believe a further explanation is always required.
The phrase feels invalid without an excuse. The word can overpower my inner monologue, itching for release. But when it comes to saying “no,” I falter. Too often, the word precedes conflict: “What do you mean you don’t want to come out tonight?” “Why don’t you want to kiss me?” The list goes on. “No” by itself is not considered a valid response; people always expect a follow-up. Comparatively, nobody questions a “yes.”
Everybody likes the person who says “yes.” “Yes” is the charismatic stranger at the house party. “No” is the neighbor who calls the cops and shuts the party down. Saying “no” can trigger tension; it can also expose boundaries we are not comfortable sharing. When you decline an offer without providing a “convincing” reason, you risk portraying yourself as stubborn and unagreeable. Sometimes, it is just easier to say “yes.”
The pressure to say “yes” infects us all, and the acronym YOLO is partly to blame. In 2011, Drake released the song “The Motto,” featuring the lyrics “You only live once, that’s the motto.” Like its predecessors “swag,” “lit” and “lowkey,” YOLO became yet another trademark of Generation Z. The true origins of the phrase “You only live once” are unknown, but Drake effectively elevated the term to global prominence in the 2010s. Overnight, the acronym was seemingly branded on every middle-schooler’s T-shirt, hat and iPhone case. Nobody could escape the Forever 21 “YOLO” tank tops: quirky reminders of our impending mortality.
YOLO highlights the now, ignoring the consequences of our actions.
Before “The Motto,” there was the 2008 movie “Yes Man.” The film follows Carl (Jim Carrey), a man stuck in his stubborn ways. It is not until he attends a self-help seminar that he learns to unleash the power of “yes” — the YOLO effect. But too much of anything is dangerous. His character learns that the better path to growth is being open to new experiences and how those choices may impact others.
As YOLO soared in popularity, companies exploited the phrase to drive sales. “The effects of this ‘living rich’ lifestyle and the YOLO Market has led to the rise of fast fashion, e-commerce, and the sharing economy,” according to a study by ViaCom. Participating in micro-trends for the sake of indulgence is killing our planet. YOLO highlights the now, ignoring the consequences of our actions.
The term does have positive connotations; YOLO has forced many out of their comfort zones, inspiring them to confront their avoidance issues. I remember being anxious leading up to my eighth-grade dance. I thought, secretly, nobody wanted me there. In spite of my dread, I told myself by absenteeing, I would live to regret it. I was still terribly anxious when I arrived at the dance, but I ended up having a good time. Of course, the mantra is not a replacement for therapy, but YOLO is a reminder to seize what life has to offer.
Saying “yes” is an expectation for those underpaid and overworked; saying “no” at a job is undoubtedly a privilege reserved for the upper class.
Seizing the day, “carpe diem,” if you will, has long strayed from its initial meaning. YOLO has evolved into something different, encouraging people to live fast and excessively for instant gratification. I am not here to define what opportunities you should or should not take — there is no right answer, but the pressure to say “yes” is undeniably ingrained in our decision-making. Failure to pursue every opportunity can feel like a waste of life, and nobody wants to die with regrets stemming from a “no.”
Of course, some people revel in saying “no.” Warren Buffett, one of the wealthiest investors of the 20th century, is attributed with saying, “The difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.” Of course, he was likely referring to financial pursuits, but setting boundaries traverses all aspects of life: it blends into your friendships, relationships and job.
However, saying “yes” is an expectation for those underpaid and overworked; saying “no” at a job is undoubtedly a privilege reserved for the upper class. The turnover rate for minimum wage jobs far exceeds that of managerial positions. Those earning minimum wage can risk reduced shifts or outright dismissal by establishing boundaries.
Buffett can enforce boundaries because financial security and autonomy are not imposing factors. He is, in a certain sense, irreplaceable. Furthermore, saying no only cements his leadership qualities as a man in the eyes of others. When a woman says no, she is considered a “bitch.” The gendered double standard exposes how women are criticized for exhibiting the same assertiveness as men. In response, women are forced to downplay their achievements and dilute themselves to meet societal expectations.
For women, I believe the pressure to say “yes” is ingrained at a young age.
Dr. Kathryn J. Lively from Psychology Today wrote “As young children, girls are socialized to be nice and to be more in touch with their own and other people’s feelings than are boys.” In elementary school, I vividly remember when the teacher paired me with a misbehaving boy so I could “correct” his attitude. Why is this my responsibility, I wondered while awkwardly sitting beside him, urging for him to quiet down. Why does it feel like I have no say in this? For the boys — riled up and loud — it felt like they were expected to act that way, in the same way I was expected to correct them.
Most women have a difficult time saying no, especially if they think someone’s feelings may be at stake or if they think they will be disliked. Despite what most women think, this reflex is actually a socially learned coping mechanism that can, with a little time and attention, be unlearned.
I’ve given “no”s to men on dates or in sleazy bars and have consistently faced persistence or denial on their part. The disappointment smeared across a man’s face when you say you do not want to dance or do not want to kiss is palpable. They wear it with such audacity, and I’m angered by the fact women are forced from a young age to conceal their disappointment behind a smile. I think about how the responsibility to nurture men is often burdened on women from adolescence.
The last thing anyone wants to feel is uncooperative, but for women, I believe the pressure to say “yes” is ingrained at a young age. The #MeToo movement was founded by Tarana Burke in 2006 to support survivors of sexual violence, particularly young women of color from low-income communities. The pressure to say “yes” is fraught with many, but women are socially conditioned from birth to be agreeable and caring. For women, saying “yes” also stems from a fear of assault.
Rejection assaults are all too frequent in this day and age. Some men cannot handle hearing “no,” so they react physically. I often think about Ameneh Bahrami. In 2004, she was blinded and disfigured by a man who poured acid on her face for rejecting his marriage proposal. She suffered horrific burns on her face and scalp. Her life was changed forever because she said “no.” Her story is a grim reminder of the consequences women face for simply asserting their autonomy.
Incidents such as Bahrami’s and horror stories I have heard from my friends lead me to second-guess my “no”s. I’ll make a quick excuse to run to the bathroom and leave the place altogether to avoid saying it. I am afraid of being slapped or spat on, of having acid thrown in my face, an unlikely threat that lingers in the back of my mind.
I want to reaffirm that saying “no” is an excuse on its own. You never owe anyone a reason or an apology for asserting your autonomy. For those receiving rejection, take it for what it is. The better we handle the “no”s, the more comfortable those around us will feel delivering them. The next time you feel the urge to say “no,” do so without an apology.
The same applies to those pushing YOLO to the max, living in a state of constant agreement out of fear of missing out. Taking time to recharge is what makes the fantastic moments in life so special. The pressure to say “yes” is persistent in all our lives, and sometimes that can be a good thing, but rejection — given or received — is essential for growth.
