In my time at Fordham College at Lincoln Center (FCLC), I’ve made a good amount of friends from this year’s graduating class. As sad as I’ll be to see them go, I’d like to send my senior colleagues off with a Senior Week to eclipse all previous Senior Weeks. Whether or not these events are actually doable with the Senior Week planning committee’s budget (or even FCLC rules), I, in my infinitely useful knowledge, propose the following as rewards for surviving four years of Fordham.

Grade Trade Night

For the start of the celebrations, let’s give seniors a final chance to improve their GPAs with some free market capitalism! The premise of this is simple: everyone interested brings a copy of their transcript and after a friendly dinner and (importantly) a few drinks, gets the opportunity to barter for each other’s grades. For example, that B+ you got in Intro to Graphic Design might mean nothing to you as an elective, but for the poor Visual Arts major who got a C in that but an A- in your Media Law class (who knows why the Visual Arts major was in that), it would be great trade bait. This has the potential to be as fun/competitive as fantasy football trading but with real life consequences.

Rave on the Rock

Imagine the top of 30 Rockefeller Plaza, closed off from the public, with all the lights turned off except for some strobe lights, incessant dub step and of course, crazy amounts of alcohol. Oh, and the protective windows along the edges have been removed, because we’ll be offering free bungee jumping from the sides. This rave should be loud enough to be heard from Rose Hill and crazy enough to shut down 30 Rock for a week. Why all the unnecessary danger? Because there is no better way for seniors to release tension going into graduation than partying on the edge of certain death.

A Ram

The best gift for any graduate starting their new life is obviously a living sign of their alma mater that eats everything and poops everywhere. Also, a ram and its menacing horns would make better protection than even a trained Doberman. Imagine coming home to your tiny apartment from a night of partying to find a hungry animal with giant horns waiting to greet you. You’re welcome, Class of 2012.

Bartending Class

To help graduates drink away in style the pain of not being able to find a job or a place to live. Finding comfort in a bottle is so below FCLC; we’re classier than that. Our style is more finding comfort in three Manhattans, two Long Island iced teas and five Tom Collins.

Slap Fest

The idea: one night, every FCLC professor, one chance for each student to get revenge on whoever made his or her life miserable. Professors will think it’s a night of appreciation for their wisdom so that nobody can check Rate My Professors and figure out their odds of getting the most slaps. Students: open, forehand slaps only and no gloves.

Escape From New York Night

Starting from deep inside Central Park, participating seniors are in a race to get out of Manhattan. The catch: underclassmen are out patrolling the city to stop them and claim their prize ($1,000 per senior bagged). The reward for escaping: automatic 4.0 and you get two slaps at Slap Fest.

Ram Smack Down: McShane v. Grimes

This is a mixed event for FCLC and Rose Hill seniors to watch Frs. McShane and Grimes in a boxing match in Madison Square Garden. Who wouldn’t want to watch the head of our university fight the head of our school? I think it would be a fairly equal match, too: Grimes obviously has the power advantage and probably has a dirty right hook, but McShane looks like a scrappy fighter and probably isn’t above fighting dirty.

Waldorf Astoria Week

For the entirety of Senior Week, students used to sleeping in their too-short twin bed at home or the guestless prison that is McMahon Hall can stay at any of the Waldorf Astoria’s finest suites on Fordham’s dollar. How will FCLC afford this? I don’t know, cut the honors department or something. Nobody likes those privileged geniuses.

A Job

Seriously. The only thing that matters.