Published: May 5, 2011

Alright, everybody, I hope you’re all geared up for the 2012 election! We’ve already got what looks to be a ton of fun in store, with the champion of change defending his title against a list of potential Republican candidates with more humor potential than George Bush at a spelling bee. Sure, there might not be a real frontrunner to set up against President Obama and a few of the most prominent Republicans still haven’t declared their candidacy (cough…Trump…cough), but that doesn’t mean we can’t talk about the election.

Since we don’t have anyone to stack up against the president yet, let’s discuss what everyone knows is more important than the realness of a person’s birth certificate: the issues. I know we can’t exactly predict what’s going to be important in a year (no one man should have all that power), but that doesn’t mean I can’t try! What follows is a dissection of what I think will be the top issues in November 2012 and a rundown on which candidate is best suited to address each one. Note: not all people mentioned have officially declared their candidacy.

Global Warming:

I got sunburn from being outside for 20 minutes this April. Although I am one shade away from blending in with printer paper, so are many other Americans. This combined with the incessant footage of that polar bear stranded on an iceberg (what, he can’t swim?) are bound to make global warming a hot topic. Basically, this issue comes down to whether or not you’re willing to spend a little extra money to solve the problem now to make sure your children don’t have to move to Mars in the future.

Winner: Obama. The Republicans sure aren’t doing anything. Apparently, they have a secret weapon to defeat global warming that they aren’t telling anyone about yet. That’s the only way they could sleep at night after strangling the EPA.

Oil: 

When all these Middle Eastern shenanigans have calmed down, everyone’s going to realize we helped overthrow some fairly reliable sources of our nation’s blood. Yeah, yeah, it’s nice that we helped spread freedom and all that junk, but what about my Chevy Suburban? My baby needs feeding every other day, and my Walmart paycheck won’t cover that much gas.

Winner: Tim Pawlenty. Thank God for Pawlenty. His support for drilling in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge means I won’t have to worry about gas again. My children might, but they don’t exist yet so I don’t care.

China:

Oh, God, we are so screwed. I hope you’re ready to live in the Chinese States of America, because nobody knows how to deal with their imminent domination. Unless…

Winner: Trump! Of course! The Donald knows how to deal with China. Many forget that before he got evil-villain obsessed with Obama’s birth certificate, Trump was originally the champion of the “we can’t let China beat us!!!” mentality. He knows exactly how to keep us ahead of our new rivals, mainly because he has a “hit” TV show.

Government Spending/Taxes:

With all the excitement of the government shutdown over, battles about cutting government programs and benefits or raising taxes will probably subside a lot by the election, but the budget will still be as unbalanced as a fat kid alone on a see-saw. So we have two choices: swiftly dump every government program that doesn’t effect old people until America becomes the world’s retirement community, or learn how to live on one percent of your current paycheck, with the rest going to Uncle Sam.

Winner: Nobody. Crud.

The Anti-American Revolution:

No, this isn’t about Communism. I have it on good authority that the Redcoats have planned their reinvasion of the colonies for July 4, 2012. During the months leading up to the election, we will all be battling for our homelands against the much better prepared English. We will need our commander-in-chief to be well versed in beating back the Tories.

Winner: Mel Gibson.

The War on Hipsters:

Their years of secretly eroding the bedrock of American culture from their underground hiding places have ended; now we must wage an all out war on the hipster world. By 2012, 90 percent of all T-shirts will be ironic (ironically killing irony), Pabst Blue Ribbon will be the best-selling beer in the U.S. and unnecessarily large eyeglasses will be sold by every optician. America needs someone who can stomp out these wretches before their B.O. kills us all.

Winner: Newt Gingrich The grumpy old man we need right now.

The Apocalypse:

How is anyone supposed to see “Decision 2012” everywhere and not think of impending doom? The Mayans said the world ends December of election year, and I’ve never known a Mayan to be wrong. We need someone with a contingency plan for all scenarios. That means someone familiar with defeating zombies, floods, firestorms, the anti-Christ, nuclear holocausts and multiple other doomsday scenarios. Where are we going to find such a candidate? Answer: we already did.

Winner: Obama. Dude is invincible.