Published: November 17, 2010

On Nov. 12 I officially left my teenaged years behind and adopted the status of “20-something.” Although in my case that something is a zero, it still brings a lot of pain and misery with it—mainly because I now feel like an old person. Sure, when I’m at my internship and everyone is at least a decade older than me, I feel great. But when I think about my past, I can’t help thinking about the kids who are now going through the same things I did, and this invariably makes me feel old. What follows is a list of reasons why I am in no way excited about being 20.

1. I am no longer an invincible teenager. There was just something about being a teenager that convinced me that yes, I could jump off that roof and probably land unharmed. Whatever it was that suppressed my worries about driving 65 mph down a residential street with 30 people in the car is now dead.

2. I will never have another chance to be a teenage statistic. I somehow avoided drug addiction, gang violence, DUI, dropping out and, the big one, pregnancy. Never will I have a chance to be a “shocking statistic” on the local news.

3. I can no longer name all the Pokémon in existence. I feel bad for the children who are growing up in a world of 10,000 Pokémon; I had a hard enough time accounting for the original 151. I’m sure third graders are still arguing about what the best starting Pokémon is, but it’s not Charmander v. Squirtle anymore (why’d you even come here Bulbasaur, nobody likes you).

4. It’s too late to form a band with my friends and become a teenage sensation. Now I’d have to be adult good instead of just getting by on so-so talent and youthful good looks (cough…Justin Bieber…cough).

5. I still expect Justin Timberlake to start performing “It’s Gonna Be Me” when he shows up on SNL.

6. Speaking of Justin Timberlake, I can remember when old guys didn’t always do Super Bowl halftime shows. Curse you, Janet Jackson’s nipple.

7. I am slowly leaving the disposable income demographic. OK, I left that a long time ago. My income (what income? I haven’t had a job since the summer) goes to feeding me and making sure I’m happy enough to not go crazy and kill everyone. None of it is disposable.

8. I’ve had a driver’s license for four years now, and even though it’s useless as a Fordham student, I’m still over all the stupid things about driving when I’m back home. A car isn’t freedom anymore; it’s a potential parking ticket. Knowing me, it’s definitely a parking ticket.

9. Although it’s still totally OK to watch Nickelodeon (and will be forever), I get supremely annoyed by the same commercials that used to enthrall me. Why would anyone want playdough that “sticks to anything?!” THAT’S A TERRIBLE IDEA.

10. It’s officially creepy if I go to the Public Library for story time. Even if I just like to listen to old ladies reading stories. When did that happen?

11. People expect me to be productive with my life. When someone asks me what I’ve been up to, they are no longer impressed when I answer, “I built a replica of the Mona Lisa out of macaroni!”

12. My deathly fear of vegetables isn’t excusable anymore. I don’t want broccoli.

13. I have no excuse for dressing like a slob. Which means my wardrobe is going to need a complete overhaul in the near future. Good-bye sweatshirts and baggy jeans. (On second thought, I’m pretty sure I was the only one wearing this outfit at Fordham anyway.)

14. I know that Disney can do better than the crap they churn out now, because I was cognizant of the rebirth of Disney’s greatness in the mid ’90s. This bull they make now is a disgrace to everything I stand for.

15. My body actually feels worse after eating Doritos and Mountain Dew—things that used to be able to sustain me for entire weeks. Why is my stomach rebelling against me?

16. I can remember the start of shows that have recently wrapped up: “Lost,” “Everybody Loves Raymond,” “24,” “Survivor.” Oh wait, “Survivor” is still on. YES!

17. Every new class of freshmen brings another group of people who haven’t had their dreams crushed by the reality of life. 20 = cynical.

18. Caffeine addiction is becoming a distinct possibility, and Starbucks beckons to suck all of my non-existent money.

19. My trademark immature humor doesn’t seem so funny when coming from a 20-year-old. Maybe it’s time to listen to all my friends who told me that’s not what she said.

20. Can anyone say quarter-life crisis? So much self-reflection.

21. I’m still not 21.