Published: April 22, 2010

With Earth Day approaching, you might be looking for ways to flaunt your inner green. Many people call themselves environmentally conscious without even realizing that they are just as bad as Hummers, water bottles and the state of New Jersey combined. Maybe you save energy by turning off your lights when you’re not in the room, but what about that toxic sludge you dumped in the Hudson River last week? Oh, you thought nobody knew? Too bad Al Gore sees everything that makes our planet cry.

To redeem yourself for that Chevy Suburban you drive, you have some options. First, you can go to a website like earth911.com and get some tips from people who want to make environmentalism easy for you. If you love your planet, however, you need to make some drastic changes that will definitely not be a walk in the park. What you need are tips from someone who isn’t afraid to drop some truth bombs. Well lucky for you, what follows is the ultimate environmental list for the ultimate environmentalist.

1. Hold your breath. Exhaling increases CO2 levels in the atmosphere.

2. Refrain from eating anything that converts CO2 into O2. Especially lettuce.

3. Make your own electricity and lose massive amounts of weight by converting an exercise bike into a generator.

4. Build a car entirely made from organic parts. Like the Flintstones.

5. Decrease methane in the atmosphere by raising less cows on Farmville.

6. Adopt a lemming-like trust for Al Gore.

7. Save electricity by eating so much that you never need to store food in a refrigerator.

8. Learn how to knit wool, then find someone who will actually wear wool.

9. Allow grass to increase O2 levels by KEEPING OFF MY LAWN.

10. Shower only when people start to complain.

11. Save paper by asking grad schools to send you rejection e-mails.

12. Build your first home entirely out of rain barrels.

13. Support environmental music, like a cappella and unplugged recordings.

14. Instead of using your microwave, just leave your ramen out in the sun to cook.

15. To conserve energy, use two tin cans and a long string to call your friends.

16. On Earth Day, plant a tree for every shot you’ve taken this semester.

17. Use the plastic containers in the cafeteria to carry your stuff instead of a purse.

18. Save the wood used in pencils by writing in your own blood.

19. Help conserve our resources by thinning the population. I suggest starting with the weak and elderly.

20. Longer books use more trees. Stop J.K. Rowling before she writes another one.

21. Grow cotton plants in your dorm to make denim for your own skinny jeans.

22. Learn to love extreme levels of heat.