Published: November 19, 2009

The newest generation of young Hollywood is so young that I almost feel outdated. But, to make sure that I never forget them, I am always up to date on their lives, whether I like it or not. Their impact has become so far-reaching that they are no longer the objects of speculation merely of gossip columnists, but also of national newspapers, daytime and nighttime talk shows and Forbes. For example, you may have seen Kanye West’s snub of teenage country star Taylor Swift on MTV during this year’s VMAs. But if you didn’t, you most certainly heard about it, watched it being discussed at length on the news or read about it in any number of publications, including the New York Times.

Not only are these celebrities not in college, but they are too young to be in college, for the most part. And yet they’ve accomplished nearly everything I’ve ever dreamed of accomplishing in my life—in their 17 years of life, on average. Moreover, it has to be rubbed in my face. I can’t check the television, my phone or the Internet without being reminded of how well these teenagers have done for themselves while I’m sitting on my bed, pretending to write a paper. When they have a problem, it becomes a national problem of protecting our young. Singer Nick Jonas has become the new face of juvenile diabetes because he, a diabetic, spoke before Congress on raising money for treatment research. Miley Cyrus has a new stalker and his every move is tracked because I might need to make a citizen’s arrest. Why do her problems get to be everyone’s, while I can’t even get some help from a friend on this paper?

Recently, a devout Miley Cyrus fan erected a Web site in response to Miley’s leave from Twitter, stating that if the songstress did not Tweet by Nov. 23, the fan would eat Fluffy, her cat. I’ve yet to decide if this is a hoax, but I’m leaning toward not. And while I think that eating one’s cat comes with its own barrel of issues, the larger problem is with the magnitude of Miley’s influence. I want some of that power, but only a little bit. Not enough influence for anyone to commit animal sacrifice in order to know about my life, but if I could affect change and bring happiness by Tweeting about my life, I would. And if that also made me a rescuer of animals, I wouldn’t complain.

If only Disney had recruited me a few fateful years ago, I might have the kind of gravitas that these young powerhouses have attained. I, for one, would be more than happy to accept the position recently bestowed upon “Wizards of Waverly Place” star Selena Gomez, as UNICEF’s youngest ambassador ever, at 17 years old. Part of her contributions to the organization so far has been as a spokesperson of Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF, a program that collects donations every fall in little cardboard cartons that go toward providing basic necessities for children in need around the world.

We have that in common, sort of. You see, at 17, I was also working for Trick-or-Treat for UNICEF by assembling one of these boxes, and then pressuring customers at my parents’ restaurant to pay up. Though I applaud Selena’s humanitarianism, I am also bitterly jealous of the one-upmanship that she has pulled on me. Her perpetual spotlight has afforded her this amazing opportunity, but does she deserve it? If I were considering donating to UNICEF’s causes, I would prefer not to be sold Selena’s celebrity as well. UNICEF should be promoting Trick-or-Treat and its other programs by giving its young leaders the same amount of recognition that Selena has gotten for the work she hasn’t even done yet.

Lastly, I can’t figure out why, as I went to check my e-mail, Yahoo news felt the need to tell me that Taylor Lautner will be wearing more shirts. Seventeen-year-old Taylor Lautner is the newest actor to feel the heat, because, besides completing the Twilight love triangle, he has a nice body. So he announced to gossip mill Showbiz Spy that, in order to be considered for meaningful roles in the future, he will be wearing more shirts. We also have that in common. It is winter, and I get cold pretty easily, so in order for everyone to know that I am quite serious about keeping warm, I will be layering a lot. Perhaps that’s the subtle message that Lautner wants to send out to his adoring public. He will be wearing shirts, and so should you. It’s brutal out there.