Published: February 12, 2009

The scene is set. You’re in a bar with your friends, and everyone’s having a few drinks. A few drinks lead to a few more drinks, and the next thing you know, your face is flushed with that good, drunk feeling. You’re chatting happily and laughing at just about everything. You make a quick run to the bathroom, check your hair in the mirror and head back to the party. Yet, something catches your eye… buried deep within the confines of your pocketbook or jacket pocket. It’s your cell-phone. Ah, yes the cell-phone. A drunk person’s best friend … or worst enemy?

We’ve all been there at one point or another—you wake up the next morning to a cell-phone that looks the same but holds within its outbox /inbox a world of revealed secrets, gossip and general disorder. But how does one go about perfecting the drunk text message? What should the content be? And most importantly, whom should a drunk text target? In an effort to know who the best targets are and what you should be texting them, we must first understand the reasons as to why many of us drunk text.

The first reason is obvious:  it’s a whole lot easier to text someone (like an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend) than to verbally communicate with them over the phone, right? I mean, who honestly likes to hear the voice of the person who dumped you a month ago? Wouldn’t it just be easier to text them your feelings?

The cell-phone grants a drunk person power. Regardless of whether or not you can stand on two feet, your cell-phone is always going to be easy to handle. “I realsnysy misss yo8u” might have packed more of a punch if you were sober and had used correct spelling. Yet since you were drunk, you can chalk it up as a crazy night out at the bar when your ex calls you the next morning complaining. With this notion of carelessness in mind, people get an urge to text when inebriated because “being drunk” is always a good excuse.

Now, who should be on the top of your list when drunk texting? Ex-boyfriends and girlfriends are always the best ones to start with. Whether or not you have a good relationship with them post-break-up doesn’t really matter when sending him or her a drunk text. It’s easier, however, to send raging, angry texts proclaiming your hate and how he or she is the most f***ed up person in the world for cheating on you. That would look something like this: “I fufckssinfg7 haytedd you ashsholle!” Or maybe you want to say how much you’ve missed his or her loving embrace. You’ve wanted to tell him or her for so long that you cry every time you hear a certain song or eat in a particular restaurant that reminds you of them. The drunk text is the perfect means of relaying these feelings!

Next in line to experience your drunken wrath should probably be your pals who weren’t lucky enough to be around for your alcoholic antics. They’re the best people to drunk text (unless it’s late and they’re fast asleep) because they’ll always laugh with you. They’ll also call or text the next day to make sure you’re still alive and well. Then you can both have a laugh about how crazy your night was. This could probably be classified as the most “innocent” of drunk texts.

You could also try to re-connect with some old friends via drunk texting. Suppose you guys haven’t spoken since last semester, but you’ve really been missing them; well, let them know you still care… with a drunk text! They might not even be aware that it’s a drunk text and just take it as pure concern for the friendship. How thoughtful you are! Maybe they’ll be so excited that you actually got in touch with them (because we all know a text is more personal than a Facebook message) that they’ll plan a dinner date for the coming week.

Another person you might want to drunk text is that cute guy or girl from school who you’ve been secretly drooling over for the last few months. Remember when you guys had that study date in the library? Remember when the two of you exchanged phone numbers and one of you said, “I think we should totally get together sometime.”

Remember when you shuddered at the thought of actually having to talk to this crush on the phone? Well, your problems are solved! Drunk text them! Nothing too crazy, of course, but start up a simple conversation.  Feel them out a bit and see if they respond right away. Who knows? You might muster up enough (liquid) courage to ask them out on a date.

Now, there are a few “don’ts” that come along with drunk texting. I would stay away from drunk texting co-workers and superiors. You don’t want the people you work with to think you’re a sloppy mess come Saturday night, and you surely don’t want to text any relatives for that same reason.

Try not to say anything too revealing in your text messages. Now, I know this can be a difficult task when the warm glow of tequila is turning your brain into slush, but please try to keep things civil. The last thing you want to do is text that crush of yours with an “I LUWV YOUU” in all caps. He or she might laugh at first, but deep down, they might secretly regret having ever given you his or her number.

Don’t make drunk texting a habit. If your friends or exes keep getting the same ridiculous drunk texts from you every weekend, they might get annoyed and could even complain.

Despite the potential drawbacks, such as embarrassing yourself or revealing too much information, a drunk text does, in fact, offer an easy way out of potential verbal messiness over the phone. If you’re really worried about the drunk texts you know you might have sent the night before, then do yourself a favor—quickly scan them over, hit the delete button and forget they ever happened. It’s as simple as that!