For as long as I can remember I have been asked the question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Throughout the years, the answers have ranged from puppy to doctor to teacher to book editor. However, that is simply because I was never told about the cool jobs that really exist. Had I discovered before my senior year of college that I could be a Cheese Ph.D., a Lifetime movie hashtag writer, or an Occult Specialist with a police department, my life would be going in a completely different direction. It was around this time of inopportune enlightenment that I found my true life’s purpose.

I was born to be a Catholic Church demonologist. Think Lorraine Warren from “The Conjuring” (who is actually a real person) only on the payroll of the Catholic Church. What more could I want? Well, actually quite a lot like access to free birth control and autonomy over my own body, but career wise, it’s a pretty sweet deal. 

What’s even better is that I could be terrible at my job and no one would even know. Shockingly, there aren’t many demonologists (funded by the Church or otherwise) so who would be able to tell if I was making things up? Lorraine Warren was born in 1927. That means she’s pushing 90 and there’s a pretty good chance that she isn’t mobile enough to investigate my work. I could get rich for pretending to do something without having to spend $60,000 a year on a Fordham theatre degree.

However, with graduation only 233 days away, it’s too late for me. There is hope though—my mother recently took a job as a career counselor at a college back home. If I can teach her about all the actually cool careers out there, she will be able to keep future generations of students from following in my footsteps to occupation mediocrity.