Published: December 13, 2007

Peyton Manning won’t be impressed when he receives his fourth iPhone this Christmas and Tony Romo’s shiny new credit cards are probably beginning to show signs of wear. So when considering what to get the famous athlete on your list this holiday season, remember that there’s nothing you can buy for them that they don’t already have. Instead, bypass the obvious high-end choice and give the gift that could really improve their lives. Who cares if you hurt their feelings? At the end of the day, they can still wipe their butts with hundred dollar bills.

Roger Federer: Cleats
Federer may be the most dominant tennis player that ever lived, but if there is something we can all agree on, it’s that tennis is not a real sport. Until he can hit a Josh Beckett fastball, run through Brian Urlacher or take a charge from Ron Artest, Federer will just be a blazer-wearing, lawn-sport playing sissy.

Terrell Owens: Mental help
No, seriously. And fast. He’s officially crossed the line from an amusingly self-absorbed prima donna to full-on nuts. We all thought the impromptu autograph signing via Sharpie in the sock was a cute publicity stunt and the televised sit-ups in the driveway were borderline insane, but what really put T.O. over the edge was the “suicide attempt” fiasco.

Tony Romo: Prenup
The up-and-coming Dallas Cowboys quarterback can’t seem to stay out of the celebrity gossip mags these days, due to his penchant for blonde Southern singers. Romo was first linked to Carrie Underwood, but he has been repeatedly seen with former “Newlywed” Jessica Simpson. The ex-Mrs. Lachey even invited Romo to spend Thanksgiving with her Cowboys-fanatic family and her creepy dad. We just hope the NFL’s newest golden boy is aware of her marital record.

Tiger Woods: Fruitcake
So what do you give the man who has everything?   A fruitcake.

Isiah Thomas: “Sex and the City” DVD box set
Everyone knows the fastest way to a professional Manhatanite’s heart is through purses, not profanity. Who better than Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte to teach Thomas that the names Burberry, Bulgari and Betsey Johnson are a whole lot sweeter to the ear than “bitch” when trying to attract a co-worker?

Peyton Manning: Two more Super Bowl rings, ad campaigns for high-class swag like Stetson and Movado, a gorgeous Brazilian supermodel girlfriend and a child from a prior gorgeous celebrity girlfriend.
Actually, just stop kidding yourself, Peyton. You’ll never be Tom Brady.

Mariano Rivera: Speech therapist
Every New Jork Jankees fan…err…New York Yankees fan cringes when hearing Rivera refer to his team of 13 years as the “New Jork Jankees.” His steadfast commitment to the Bronx Bombers in the age of free agency is commendable; his pronounciation is not. A few sessions during Spring Training couldn’t hurt.

Serena Williams: Yao Ming
Because if you were walking around the Village, she’d be the least convincing tranny you’ve ever seen. So to counter-balance Shaq-in-drag’s 5’10” stature, Williams’ best bet at emphasizing her femininity would be to hook up with the NBA’s largest and most awkward big man, the 7’6” Great Wall of Yao.

Randy Johnson: Hummer
The tallest pitcher in baseball has been seen numerous times pulling up to the clubhouse in a comically undersized Mini-Cooper. What better exemplifies the spirit of Christmas than giving the Big Unit a Hummer?

Bret Favre, Barry Bonds, Grant Hill and the entirety of the National Hockey League (NHL): 401K Plans
Honestly, all of you, especially those of you who play a winter sport in a summer state, it’s time to hang ‘em up.