Single Black-and-White Newspaper Seeks Loving Readers

I’ve decided that for my 40th birthday, I need to put myself out there more — and not just on newsstands. If any of this catches your eye, I’m just waiting to get picked up. Here’s a list of my best qualities, in no particular order.

1. I’m 40 years old and looking better than ever. 40 is the new 30, you know.
   
2. I’m a bit of a workaholic. If it’s production night I might not leave the office until well after midnight … but it’s all to look my best for you.
3. I also have a side hustle as wrapping paper.
4. I’ll be honest: After 40 years of living, I have a lot of issues. Not to mention an Issuu.
5. I’m an introvert; I’m only out in person twice a month.
6. I got my own website for the first time in 2000. Yeah, yeah, I’m older than Facebook, but I’m way cooler — take that, Mark Zuckerberg.
7. Since then I’ve had a few facelifts … er, website redesigns. Don’t ask me how many until after our first date. I’ve lost count.
8. My most recent one was in summer 2020, though, so I’m fresh-faced now.
9. You could call me a bit of an influencer…
10. Almost 600,000 people looked at my website in 2020.
11. My Instagram has more than 1,200 followers, and I have not one, but two, Twitter accounts.
12. And I started my podcast, “Retrospect,” way before quarantine podcasts became a thing.
13. If you’re really into celebrities, I’ve appeared in a few Fordham Theatre shows, so I’m kind of famous.
14. I’m also pretty creative. I just launched a fashion line featuring my own designs. If you love me, you’ll get my name on a shirt.
    
15. Readers think “I Hate Dogs,” but it’s just one of my most-read articles. I’ll totally swipe right on you if you have a dog in your profile.
16. Snakes are actually my favorite animals. One time someone called me a den of snakes and it kind of stuck.
17. My go-to karaoke song is “Centerfold” by J. Geils Band.
18. My favorite Taylor Swift song is “coney island.” “Sorry for not making you my centerfold” gets me every time. :’(
19. My hobbies include going to campus events and correcting people’s grammar.
20. I’m an AP Style fanatic. Don’t swipe if you use Oxford commas.
    
21. I don’t play games in my relationships — but I do make them. People go wild for my crosswords.
22. Not that I brag much or anything, but I’ve won a ton of awards over the years. You could call them the Oscars of the newspaper world, but it’s no big deal.
23. I’m great at setting people up. You’ve heard of the enemies-to-lovers trope — I’m all about editors-to-lovers.
24. Ultimately, I just want someone who won’t use me. I’ve been used a lot — as a paper towel, as a pizza plate, as a paper hat…
25. I’m ready for a lasting relationship. I promise I don’t break hearts. I only break news.