If 2020 were a person, they’d be your terrible ex who broke your heart, keyed your car, stole half your kitchenware, hit up your best friend and then proceeded to ask to get back together. A gift that keeps on giving, if you will. 

The year 2021, then, is the next romantic interest that comes into your life, with a face of an angel and the potential to be much better than the one before, but you have your suspicions. After all, 2020 did leave you with a whole new trunk of trust issues and unresolved trauma. But that’s all best brushed under the rug, no?

If you survived the past year or so, congratulations. If you say you came out of it mentally unscathed, stop lying. And if you have people who “care about you” and are “just concerned about your mental health,” you might have been suggested to go to therapy. Yes, therapy, that thing where you pay someone a couple hundred dollars just to have a conversation. 

But if you’re worried that your therapist might put a tracking device in you, fret not.

Sure, maybe all your friends who have gone say it works wonders. There’s even research proving long-term benefits that are both physical and mental, but can you really trust modern-day science and so-called professionals? Plus, it’s a luxury of time and money that unfortunately, not everyone can afford. You might even compare therapy to the vaccine, except it’s not affordable, widely distributed, required to get into comedy shows, or completed in one or two shots — most of which apply only in the U.S. It’s just highly suggested by health experts.

But if you’re worried that your therapist might put a tracking device in you, fret not. By now, you might have heard of the Instagram page @afffirmations. If you haven’t, it is likely because you don’t have Instagram or you live a life of unattainable peace. Either way, I’m happy you’ve found a position of superiority among us. 

The meme page, which boasts over 485,000 followers (proof that it works), is an easy and free alternative to seeking help. It does exactly what it says: gives you daily affirmations. If you’re dubious at all, below is a quick introductory guide to all of @afffirmations’ prescriptions for whatever you’re going through.

Unemployment/Job Insecurity

Try the affirmations: 

“I am employed.” Gaslight yourself into believing that you are, in fact, not jobless after all. 

“Money tends to show up.” Manifest it. Who knows, you might come across a stray coin on the sidewalk. 

“If all else fails, I can just marry a monarch.” There are plenty to go around; I heard you just have to download Hinge — and pay for premium if you want a European one.

“I can become an influencer.” If all job searches lead nowhere, you’ll always have “full-time content creator” as a safety net. 

“I thrive at the office.” Okay, so you don’t have an office job, but you want — excuse me, need — one. Just pretend you’re in an office environment and you’re thriving, and the money will show up, as it tends to do.

With delusion comes desired destination.

Feeling Lonely and Isolated

“I have friends.” Even if you don’t, the other 485,000 people following @afffirmations are now your friends. Welcome to the community.

“I am e-girl.” Alternatively: e-girls don’t need friends. They have the internet, dark eyeliner and colorful hair to keep them company. Become e-girl. Cure loneliness.

“I have not been extremely lonely lately.” I cannot emphasize this enough: gaslight, gaslight, gaslight. With delusion comes desired destination. 

“I am cool LA chic.” To quote the spiritual guru Arizona Veras, “Shorty only like cocaine and Whole Foods.” Now replace “like” with “need.” Cool LA chics don’t need human interaction, just social media, hard drugs and organic produce.

“I am superior to negative thoughts.” Loneliness and isolation are just that: negative thoughts. Instead, affirm, preach and manifest. Practice toxic positivity.

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Insecurities About Your Looks

“Beauty pervades every aspect of my existance.” You might not know how to spell but at least you’re beautiful, just as soon as you repeat this a couple thousand times. Bimbo energy is the way to go.

“I’m constantly invited to cool parties.” Only hot people are invited to cool parties. You’re invited to cool parties. Constantly. Therefore, you’re hot. And yes, your family Zoom call counts as a cool party.

“I am Barbie Beauty.” Objectively, life is better when you’re made of plastic, have an unlimited supply of clothing and have body proportions that make it difficult to stand on your own. So, just preach your fantasies into reality. 

“I am Crazy Crunch.” To be honest, I’m not sure what this means. But trying to figure it out will surely distract you from picking at mascne (mask acne) on your chin.

Unfortunately, they misspelled “afffirmations,” which doesn’t accurately reflect the quality of education at our institution.

College-Related Dread

If your problems are largely caused by being a Fordham student, you’re in luck because some genius Rams have created their very own version of the @afffirmations page: @fordhamaffirmations. Unfortunately, they misspelled “afffirmations,” which doesn’t accurately reflect the quality of education at our institution. 

“Fordham’s core curriculum is full of important classes that I really enjoy.” I am thoroughly enjoying studying quantum physics as an English major! I will surely apply it to my career as a journalist.

“The school year is not coming to an end.” It’s June and you’re back home, stuck with your parents and missing your roommates, but this can still be true if you try hard enough.

“Eating at the caf is always a positive experience.” No, I do not have nightmares about my freshman year dining experience. No, Fordham does not have a D food rating on Niche. 

“Gabelli boys are so fun to be around.” Not super sure why this is an affirmation. All my friends are Gabelli boys so I don’t really need convincing, but if you’re not as lucky, I hope this helps.

I hope this quick fix was helpful and that you take solace in being reminded that @afffirmations is posting every day.

Parting Thoughts on @afffirmations

The last affirmation I want to leave you guys with is, “Seeking help is really cool.” Like, really, really cool. I AM GIA, pistachio-milk cold brew, Parade ambassador and self-cut mullet level cool. 

I hope this quick fix was helpful and that you take solace in being reminded that @afffirmations is posting every day. They’re especially relentless on their story, so you might want to check that out. In the meantime, don’t forget that Fordham’s Counseling and Psychological Services offers 11 free sessions per year. Your tuition money isn’t going to help improve campus dining, but at least it’s going somewhere.