PHOTO ILLUSTRATION BY LOÏC KHODARKOVSKY
Mamma Mia, here we go again with a dysfunctional government. If the recent government shutdown has proven anything, it’s that democracy just doesn’t work. If we have fallen to the point where an actual news headline is our commander-in-chief serving college football players fast food on silver platters with barely a blink, I think it’s safe to say that democracy is a failure.
George Washington weeps as we speak.
Citizen participation, free elections and majority rule with individual rights haven’t been working out well for us lately. Democracy is quite literally slipping through our fingers (especially now that our president’s hands are smaller). We need to do something, and we need to do something now.
My proposition is simple: instead of letting Russia exert influence on our elections and our lawmakers, we should let Sweden take the reins.
We should fix the United States with the only thing that has proved loyal in these trying times, something that would truly change the name of the game. What, you ask?
ABBA. Those gentle ’70s Swedes are the only ones who can save us. More specifically, I propose that we should replace our government with the “Mamma Mia” and “Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again” soundtracks.
Our whole national landscape would change. Mount Rushmore would be immediately reconfigured as Mount Miamore, with the four figures re-carved to represent our Founding Swedes — Anni-Frid, Bjorn, Benny and Agnetha.
Meryl Streep would be appointed as dictator for life. Children would rise each morning in their classrooms to the sweet and funky sounds of “Dancing Queen,” the nation’s ode to our most glorious and humble leader.
Instead of seeing Sean Hannity sweat bullets and find increasingly elaborate ways to justify collusion with Russia, all television stations would be mandated to play “Mamma Mia” and “Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again” on repeat 24/7. Instead of a space force, our military would pivot to become a fierce fighting force of super troupers, the only entities holding back the non-“Mamma Mia”-watching barbarians.
And yes, asking whether “Mamma Mia” or “Mamma Mia 2: Here We Go Again” is better would be a crime with the sentence of life imprisonment.
I know all of this sounds crazy, but take a chance on me.
What it really comes down to is an issue of money, money, money. Would it be financially sound to replace our 243-year-old established system of representative democracy with one entirely based on a band that lasted for 10 years? Absolutely. The Dow Jones Industrial Average wouldn’t struggle if the fifth highest grossing film of 2008 was playing on every screen in the nation. And, when you think about it some more, Brexit negotiations would be going a lot smoother if Meryl Streep was conducting them.
What is that you say? That I said that my proposed government was only for the United States of ABBA? How dare you underestimate the sheer unifying power of the “Mamma Mia” movies.
Think about it: ABBA won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1974 — who’s to say that worldwide domination isn’t what they deserve? The winner takes it all, and ABBA always sweeps. Under ABBA, our world would truly be unified as one.
I know this is a hard argument to swallow, but if you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Because here’s the truth: the history book on the shelf is always repeating itself. Just as ABBA took over worldwide charts with their blend of pop, rock and disco, I think the time has come to let them take over our government as well.
I, for one, would welcome our new Swedish overlords.